December is here.

Dear Jaspreet, 
 
Just an update of stuff. This blog has seemed to become a place to collect mush and virtual dust. Hehe. There have been so many things going on in the real world, and with the holidays here, I'm busier than ever being out there enjoying my life.

Life with my nugget is wonderful, and he has set me up for a some fake proposals, all very well done to throw me off guard! Hahaha. But it is all well, because he knows, and I know, that there really isn't anyone else I'd want to be with.

He is my once in a lifetime, and this is something that I would hold on to, and cherish. He brings out the better half of me, and loves even the parts that I hate. He listens when I can't speak, and talks to me when I need to listen. It may be early to say, but I knew, even before this, that he was to be someone I'd have a great affinity with (cheesy as it sounds). 

I wear our rings (yes. I am actually finally doing couply things. You can laugh now. But please don't laugh so loud. Thanks.) because I have never been more sure of anyone. Yes. I did just say that. Don't laugh. Hehe.

This holiday, I baked an ombre cake, I made Earl grey tea cakes, I've gotten the ring that I wanted, I help my dad with the business, I've been showered with love from family and our friends (and of course the above mentioned sweetheart) and really. It has been amazing.

Of course, I miss you a lot, Jaspreet. I really wish you were here to be happy with us, and to share and bask in the happiness of the season.  Of everything,  actually. I was talking to Ching today, and she mentioned that I get sad when I talk about death, though for her, goodbyes are more difficult. It would be very safe to say that we both miss you a lot.

To me, death has been a goodbye to you. It has taken you away, and though sometimes I speak to you in my heart, I'm not sure if you can hear it, you know? It is, perhaps, the mind's way of putting myself to sleep at night; you can hear me, you are listening. But it doesn't feel the same. But it is difficult for me because I can't tell you and be sure you've heard it.  There aren't the two ticks like on whatsapp to tell me that my message has been delivered. It just feels incomplete at times. Yet, at others, there is no doubt the universe has sent the message, and you have received it with thanks.

Sometimes, among the living, we leave things unsaid, thinking that the other party will know and understand. Or maybe we feel that these words and feelings are best concealed in the heart, where whatever love and emotion you feel does not have to be expressed. It becomes a private little show, a private thought, something you hold on to when you feel like you are losing it, or it could even comfort you, knowing that you still have feelings, and that something still beats within you.

Jaspreet, I have tried to be the one to light up their lives. I have tried, but it is too immense a task to take upon myself, and this I see and understand now. I can't be the second in command.  No one expects me to, and I thank them for it.

B has helped (and is still helping) me while the others were finding strength and ways to deal with their pain and loss. I must say, they are amazing people and I love them immensely. We each have our own way, and it is good that we can be with each other as well.

For me, B has taken me out of the darkness, especially the times where I was drowning in so much sadness and pain that I could not control, and that I could not understand. But this is not why I love him.

I love him because he is a man of character, just like what I've always imagined my other half to be. Because he is kind, and he is love. Because he chose love, and because he is a wonderful man. A man. Real man okay. Not fake fake japalang one ok.

I try to spend a bit of every day thinking about you. Why only try? Because some days I don't have to try, that's why. Most days it is of how happy you would be, if you saw how much we all loved you, and how happy we are now. Your father, especially, misses you. Your whole family does. We were over at your place for Diwali this year, and azm broke a glass. Hah. Bet you would have laughed and rolled your eyes. Hehe. We love you, and hope that all is well with you. I'm sure they speak to you in their own way. Me.. I just blog and hope heaven has good wifi, cuz I'm not into burning stuff and all that.

Say hi to my Werwer, Tok and my brother for me, will you?

Till next time!

Love always,
Sarah.

It's killing me thinking about you

So I get out there, buy me a new sketchbook, and I am going to fill it with beautiful things. Or every day things, even.

I have been hearing this a lot the past few days:

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.

To add on to that, it is true, what someone said today. Beauty to you is the values that those people hold. If you value humor, then someone who is funny will be beautiful to you.

This really explains how beauty is in the eye of the beholder doesn't it? Best of all, it's not so literal and I suppose I could say that I now understand what it truly means?

I'm going to look for the beauty in everything.

More than ever, I have to L.O.V.E (or lmve, rather. Live My Values Everyday) and love I will. In every sense of the word. Someone who can love is always beautiful.

I trust that you will have a wonderful day.

She's a virgin. She's a slut.

There is a strange thing that is going on in this world.

This is not a conspiracy theory or soemthing to do with aliens (lest it will be OUT of this world. Heh) But it has to do with a certain double standard- the virgin/whore.

We are either virgins or sluts, aren't we?

It certainly feels like we've been handed a bad hand of cards.

Don't do it, you're pure and innocent, and even virtuous. Do it, and yóu instantly get sluttified. We know that's not true, but in the words of HH, "it is a reflex action", you just can't help thinking about it.

We all don't want to ruin our images of people we have. Face it, we have expectations of people, and perceptions we project onto them, though it may not necessarily be who they really are. Perception is reality, and if these people defy what we think of them, then that's it for them! We suddenly feel things like disgust, anger, disappointment, even.

They are not who we thought they were!

Of course, the whole virgin/ whore dichotomy is an absolute bullshit. Put in place to make us virtuous and you know what. You can be virtuous even if you sleep around... Or not!

It does not define who you are, and it shouldn't. You should never ever have to feel like you are trading something off, or doing something because you are pressured to.

The view I get largely from talking to people is that "no one will know if you don't say". True. But I'm wondering what if they do know? What if I do say? How would they view me? Would they be blasé about it? Or would they be repulsed?

Have sex, or don't! It doesn't matter. It doesn't make you "dirty" if you do, or  "frigid" if you don't.

I know I speak like a situation in which I am offered sex comes ona regular basis, but in reality it doesn't. And that is it. I am saying, be comfortable doing whatever it is you believe in, and don't let our bodies hold us back.

In this highly sexualised world, it's hard to believe if what we see in the movies is right or wrong.

But word of advice: Do it only if you think you should.

And let's all stop labelling other girls virgins/sluts.. Because there are is no such thing. It is all about your own beliefs (unless you sill believe in this, then shame on you!) and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Painting

I'm back from Bali, and it was quite a nice holiday. A little bit too short, I think. Though my time there has made me very very tanned.

I'm working on redecorating my room now, and I've decided to paint the walls a shade of blue-green.. hopefully that turns out well! It's a rather arduous task but I reckon I could be done in four days, and I'd be able to enjoy my "new" room by the weekend. 

I would like someone in my life, though time on my own has made me realize exactly that- I am on my own. Well meaning people would say "don't go searching for it", "the right one will come to you", "you can't keep asking for it" etc, but this is not true.

Today on tv there was an ad for the Phantom of the Opera musical. I was humming the tune (I usually sing it) absently when suddenly I remembered how I made Jaspreet laugh with my Mosquito Opera (it really wasn't that funny but she'd laugh anyway), and how we used to try to reach the high notes when we hummed the tune together. Gosh. Why am I tearing up again.

I still cannot believe that Jaspreet is gone. I cannot seem to let her go. I can't see how it would be possible for me to move on with my life, and I don't want to leave her behind. I don't want to.

It's different when you leave a relationship. It is easy to convince yourself the other person doesn't love you anymore, or vice versa. You know the other person will move forward eventually. But this. It hurts my heart and my head so much.

You are not your virginity

Once again, I was prompted to talk about this topic because I saw the urgent need to educate stupid, backward, vacant and self-righteous people on this issue. I am sorry that you are stupid, backward, vacant and self-righteous. It is not my fault.

A discussion with a friend today made me roll my eyes with disgust. This all started from his wanting of a wife who is a virgin. When prompted he was quick to give the analogy: "if someone has licked the lollipop, would you still want to eat it?" To which I got very agitated and riled up in a very 'what the rhymes-with-duck' sort of way. So I said, it really doesn't matter to me if my partner is one or not. It doesn't make you who you are. My friend then said: "But it's different, for girls it is ok!!"

I then pointed out that there was this double standard, and we can't define someone based on their virginity. My friend then asked how I would define someone.

"Through his character, his beliefs, and his actions."

Obviously, I am opening this up to all sort of challenges: If she's so righteous and virtuous and good then she wouldn't be having sex (before marriage) would she? If she believes in purity and holding out then surely she would do no such thing?

Then let me ask you: WHY is she holding out? Why does she have to feel that if she wants to be a good person, she has to be good and kind and all that ridiculous crap AND be a virgin too? Because God said so? Because you said so? Society said so? What?

You can be sure that people who still subscribe to this are the same people who bash homosexuals and the like.

I'm not advocating for you to go out there and have wild sex or whatever. I'm saying do what you want to do if it is right, and if you have made the best judgement that this act is something that you want to do. That is all.

Sarah, what if I want to go shoot a school full of school kids? Can I do that?

Sigh.

There really is no pleasing everyone, huh? Please don't take my arguments out of context. My point is this: if you want to have sex, have safe sex. If you don't want to have sex, don't. Because, get this into your skull: It doesn't matter. Unless you have unsafe sex or multiple partners or engage in dangerous and risky behavior, and you have sex because you have nothing else to do, and not because you see it as a biological need/ sacred act of love then you should come with a warning label.

This, of course, applies to people old enough, and of rational mind to decide what is best for themselves. You have to be old enough to decide what is best for you. I'm not saying we have to accept it because 'it is happening anyway'. I am saying accept it because it's time to stop looking at people (and especially time to stop making girls feel) like they are one dimensional caricatures and that their lives are based on ONE single act.

It's like, hating on someone because he likes to eat Oreos. Or because he is bald (unless he's Vin Diesel. No one hates on Vin Diesel anyway.).

If you are one of those guys who still believe this, and you want a virgin wife/ girlfriend (maybe so you can sacrifice her blood to the Gods of something something) for whatever reason, maybe it's time to look at your own values, and think instead, of what is important to you. What values would you like in a partner? Perhaps those are qualities that you should focus on, because it is that that would make your relationship meaningful and worthwhile. Seriously.

If you want someone kind hearted and loving, someone caring, look for that instead. These are qualities in a person that ate fundamental, rather than certain traits or features that really don't represent a person as a whole. Think about it. You're not marrying someone because he or she is a virgin (or because he is 1.7m tall, or because he has had a LASIK etc), you fall in love with someone perhaps because he is intellectual (if you like that kinda thing), charming, makes you laugh and so many other things that enrich your life.

If you are still unconvinced, then good luck to you and I can only hope that the sacrifice was worth it! (Let me know how it tastes yeah) Of course, you may hold a different view and you may see it from some other perspective, and that is fine. But I really urge you to think about why you perceive things a certain way, and if it was true, and you are hold firm to your beliefs then that is fine too. And you are stupid. Ok ok, I'm kidding.

Girls, boys, (including the over twenty fives ah) and all my chickies in between, please always know that you decide what is best for you. Be brave. Make decisions based on your values, and not because you have no choice, or you felt lonely etc. If you think about what is important to you, and why it is important, then it will always guide you. Do you see where I am going with this?

Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't a good person because you wear your hair a certain way, or because you're not a virgin (beware the person who tells you that.. He might want to sacrifice your blood to some pagan God. Sorry pagan gods!) or because you like Oreos or because you have long hair or because you paint your nails or because you don't use deodorant  (ok, then you should start,  please!) Or because you have a tattoo or don't shave your 'pits... ...

You are not your virginity/ hair/ what you eat. You are so much more than that. Believe and live your values. Your thoughts and actions make you who you are (and if sex is one of those many things you do then so be it!).

And lastly, girls, honestly, if he doesn't/ can't accept you for that one thing, then move on, honey. He won't ever understand nor accept you. Find someone else who does. And do enlighten him that he might be looking for the wrong "qualities" in a person. That's the very least you could do for him.

Till the next time...

Have a great day!

Dancing

So recently I have been learning how to dance properly (it would be my third lesson this week), and so I am feeling quite happy and I shall be documenting my progress as time goes by. The instructor, whose name is also Sarah, is teaching us  few steps at a time, and this is as far as it goes at this point of time. 

I did a bit of chinese dance when I was younger, and recently I've also tried Zumba. It is a fantastic, fast paced dance, though I feel I would like something more controlled. Hence, I am trying contemporary dance, and I am enjoying myself so far. I bought a Groupon, HAHA. 

That's all from me for now. 

Till the next time!

Much love.

Updates

Dear Jaspreet (Jas-per-ree-too),

It has been almost four weeks since the day. Photos remain, your number is still in my phone. I saw Shao Jie the other day, at the bus stop opposite the library. I know, I know. I looked back at some of the things that Ching posted.. Some neoprints (gosh. I cringed) of us on Fb. You commented in January that we should take them again. I think that kind of did it for me, you know. 

I don't know what possessed me to start looking through photograph after photograph of you. You didn't know, did you? You couldn't have known. How could someone who wanted to do so much could have wanted to go so soon? 

I still don't understand. I don't understand how simply taking my work out to mark can trigger such a response. I have been tearing for the past hour now. Tearing is an understatement.

We all miss you so much. 

I know this because we do things like comment on your pictures and like them, and post on your wall and write blog posts dedicated to you (well, that's probably just me). We declare publicly how much we miss you (and sometimes say how much we will miss you, because you are still with us, and we do not miss you as yet). 

But more than anything, I know this because we do nothing. We stay silent and retreat into our little worlds where you are always with us, and where we can be with you and laugh and smile with you. Where we share our private thoughts with you, where we had private moments. Special moments that we do not wish to declare publicly, because we do not want to share them with anyone else. 

We still laughed about Dr Jia Jia. Surely that could not have been too long ago? These little time stamps help me remember, you know? 

Everything is jumbled up now. 

Azimah and I are going to watch Dirty Dancing on the opening night. Quite excited about that!

I'm keeping my hair long. I know I always say that.. This time I mean it. 

Ching is on holiday with Shin.. The pictures look great! Hehe. Azm, Ching and I are going on our own little trip in June to Bali. Unfortunately, my passport would have expired by then, so I had to make a new one. Hence, delaying the process of booking a flight. Well, at least we haven't missed the flight, ey.

Ok, this is all there is to update.. Ohyeah. Have not seen Faisal or Fat or Fux in a bit. But I am sure they are doing good. Firdaus' sister is getting married already. Unfortunately, we are not invited. Not even Azimah. I don't know why I said that. Heh. I guess that is all for now.

Love

Sarah

Grief in so many forms

I'm scrambling and trying to stay positive, but I miss you so much, dearest Jaspreet. I am afraid of moving forward and leaving you behind. I think about the people I used to hang around, and how I sometimes don't even think about them anymore. I don't want it to be like this with you.

I'm constantly moving forward (there really isn't much of a choice, and admittedly I have been making the most of it), and I'm focusing on my kids, and building up my strength and on meeting people I haven't seen in ages, and listening to their stories.. some of which you really must hear!

Ching and I miss you terribly. Azm too. I'm pretty sure Faisal misses you very much. It's like this great cloud hanging over us.

The other day at morning assembly the P announced that one of the students from the 11 batch passed away two weeks ago. He suffered a cardiac arrest, and he was a boy well loved by everyone (isn't that how everyone is remembered?). The P then read a message from his friends and family, Some of his friends were there, and it was heart-wrenching to see them; I couldn't look.

You could hear gentle sobs among the staff, and I saw through my own teary eyes that some students were shaken and teary.

I thought of you, and this must have been what happened at your school. Some kind of public eulogy weeks after you left.

It's 3am, and I am remembering the coldness of your cheek when I kissed you goodbye. I am seeing you lying in your coffin.

I miss you, I miss you so much.

Ching said she will definitely talk about you at her wedding. She will want to tell everyone about you. You know what?  I'm going to Photoshop you into some of my wedding photos ok? The same way I photoshopped Firdaus into our clique photo. Heheh. Ok, I admit, I was tearing up quite badly. But after the photoshop comment it felt so much better.

Love. 

This is mine.

Hi all.

I would like to thank everyone sincerely for all the love that you all have for my dearest Jaspreet. I really appreciate it, and yes, I know all I have been doing is thanking people but I really don't know how else to feel but grateful. Especially for my "rocks": Azimah, Ching, Faisal, Firdaus, Fu Xiang.. Gosh. I love you all so much.

Thank you Faisal for the beautiful eulogy on our behalf.

I would have liked to be the one speaking about her. I would have liked to be strong enough to say all those wonderful things about her. I would have liked to say how much I would miss her and talk about all the great things she did, but like what Jaspreet always says, "Sarah! You talk so much!" so I don't think the 5 minute thing would have worked for me.

How could I sum up what I know about Jaspreet and everything I loved about her in 5 minutes?

How can I even begin to describe her wonderful personality, her ability to make people smile, the way she left such an impact on peoples' lives, and the mazing person that she was in just five minutes? I want to talk about everything we did. I want to talk about everything she was to me.

I want to talk about Diwalis, and birthday parties and big events in which she was prominent.
But most strangely, I want to talk about everyday things. Mundane, every day things, like Council duties. We loved patrolling outside Dunman, pretending we were spies (Ok, so it was mostly me, but she humored me anyway). Things like skipping band (for AWHILE) to do above-mentioned Council duties, and things like sitting in the council room waiting for band.

Everyday things, like always walking to the bus stop near her old house, and waiting with me for my bus 293. Our conversations at the bus stops about how we were going to be, about what we were going to do. Strangely, we are what we said we would be. But we never talked about this, Jaspreet.

It's funny how things so small and insignificant, like matching sky blue Fila bags seem so important now.

I could go on forever. I really could.

Jaspreet was beautiful in a way that her heart was so big, she always made you feel like you were important. That you meant something. That, I think, is what made her so important to me. To be blessed with a friend like that.. Not everyone can say that they've had that, and yes, I'm bragging.

Oh gosh, there really is so much to say. I feel like I am going through a motion picture in my head right now. I'm trying to remember as many things as I can. The every day things are playing in my head again now. I am in TPJC and I am in the Art Room, and I see her outside the door. Just popping by.

I'm at NIE, and I catch her waiting for a taxi. We take the bus and train back.

In my head, in my memories, she is laughing. She is laughing at my stupid jokes. She is laughing with me. She is laughing as she says "Sarah!!!" in mock indignation.

I want her to sit with me. To walk with me. To do every day things. I still have her very first handphone number stored in my head. I want us to run to BK at 10.50am to try to catch breakfast. BK chicken sandwich.

I want her to "chase" unsuitable men from my life (although she insists it was only ONE person, whose name I shall not mention). I want to not listen to her.

Jaspreet, we have not opened that tuition centre. You have not flown us to India to make our bridesmaids dresses. We have not have that lunch that you said we would have after school. We haven't bought our Chanel bags. We have not done so much, Jaspreet. Your present is still with me. I don't quite know what to do with it. You cannot leave me to do this on my own. 

And everyone is saying let go, let her go. That she lives in my heart. That she's in my memories. That we need to let her go. Because she is in God's hands now, and that she is in a better place. But these cliches cannot help me understand or make sense of her leaving. I know what happened, I was there, but it still makes no sense.

What Faisal said today rings true: She has shared so many things with us, and one of them is a wonderful family. In fact, even in her passing, she has shared all her wonderful friends with me.

There are just so many things I will miss.

I will miss you so much. So very much, Jaspreet.

I love you, Jaspreet. 

Crying for nothing
Crying for no one
No one but you.

For you, Princess

The last thing I expected was this.

There is a deep pain in my heart that I cannot even begin to describe.

You left us too soon, Jaspreet. There are still so many things we have yet to do.

25 is too young.

Did you not hear me whisper in your ear last night that we need you, Jaspreet?

We need you.

I need you.

18/2/13
1007hrs

It's not going so well but it's better than I expected

There are many thoughts in my head tonight. It's almost two months since... Well. It's ok. It has been a good two months. God has been kind to me. I feel almost like I am starting to understand things again.

I don't like talking these days. This is all right. It always gets better. I have a new phone. It's really really brilliant. I'm using the Samsung Galaxy Note 2, and I can say now that this is the best thing I've spent my money on this year. It feels like old times with the LG Arena. Those were good times. I was in love, I was young, I was silly. It's a little bit different now.

I drew a picture today but it turned out awful because I hadn't practiced using water with the water soluble pencil. Silly. The picture attached shows it before I attempted to be "brave"...So much for bravery. At least I tried! Can't show the end results. Too awful.

Anyway. Here I am, sending a note to the God of the Internet. I mean like, God is everywhere right? go might as well write something here so I'd have proof that I've asked. * Deep breath *

Dear God,

I know I've asked for many things (and quite a few times, at that!) and yes, there is a 'but' coming (of course you already know this... you're God, for Your sake!) OK. First, let me get this clear: I am EXTREMELY grateful for everything and all the love you have shown me. Thank you for making My life liveable and wonderful.

But dear God, could you please please send someone RIGHT for me? The last one didn't work so I tried to "return to sender" but he didn't quite know where to go.

l dream a lot these days, God. I dream of things that I hope to have someday. l dream of not waking up. I dream of ghosts. I dream of things changing.

It is difficult to do small things with great love because it feels like this concept is escaping me. Please God, do not let me build these walls because I feel like I am becoming a little bit hollow.

That is all. Thanks in advance.