The Male-gaze and internal change.

In one of my earlier posts I mentioned the male-gaze. It is basically the idea in which we see the world through the eyes of men (even if we are women). To put it in much simpler terms: The reason why we do anything, is to appeal to the male view of how we should be. We think of things in terms of how a man might see it.

For example, since when did shaving legs become mandatory for a woman's attractiveness? I want you to think about a woman in a short skirt. And you look down at her legs, and suddenly you see hairy legs. Oh my god, so gross, right?

If you think about it, which part of shaving your legs benefits you? It is neither more hygienic to shave your legs, nor does it have any health benefits (in fact you spend time and money on shaving or waxing or whatever it is).

Same goes for armpits, and even your vagina. Bushy vags are a no-no.. Unless well, he has some kind of fetish. Fetish? C'mon now.

You'd think that we were all meant to be born hairless, and somehow God decided to play a cruel prank on womankind and decided that hey, let me put all this hair on women and see how quickly they can get it off!

If you are anything like me, and you're wondering, what to do next? Should I shave my legs because it'll just be conforming to the standards of what is beautiful?  Or should I go au naturel? Well. It's very much up to you, really. Just remember that no one can condemn you for the decisions you make, though I still very much recommend deodorant, hairless or no.

The beauty industry works like this. They play on your insecurities (I do admit, I am very much a victim as much as I try not to be) and somehow I notice it has mostly been targeted at women! No surprise, considering that we are the ones who have to change this, and buy this and that to look more attractive, to lose weight, to have a more toned body, to be more attractive... Yes yes.. But to whom?

Do you see where I am getting at?

Sure, I hear some of you protesting that you do "dress up for yourself", but while this might be true, there are still many others (myself included) who are quite unsure why we dress the way we do or behave the way we do.

Somewhere along the lines, it became a norm for women to appear super-sexual, but at the same time, get this: they are not supposed to be really sexual. Just appear so, to be attractive, but don't actually do anything because if you do, you're a whore!

Let's talk about clubbing attire, for example. While you hardly see guys turning up in speedos or something along those lines, there are the women in micro-mini dresses and pieces of cloth that are marketed as clubbing gear, and they feel wonderful in them, because they are full of confidence in themselves. These are the ones who are "fun-loving" and they are "hot". But are they they ones you'd want to marry, guys? While there may a few "why nots", I can be very certain that most views would be a "no frickin way".

Ok, so maybe I don't know how comfortable those costumes really are, but for the most part, there we are, parading ourselves, making fools of ourselves in our tiny attires. It does nothing to gain respect of any sort, and let alone bring you the happiness that you so crave for.

Let's move on to my next favourite exploitation: Make-up.

Make-up is nasty stuff. It clogs pores, feels nasty on skin, and mascara is a bitch to remove after a long day. Plus it smudges, and it makes my eyelids feel heavy. It is costly and yet, it is so important.

But I would be a hypocrite if I say I am unaffected by the whole beauty industry.

Everyday I still put on my make-up because I don't want to appear unattractive, or at least, less horrific to the rest of the world. Nowadays, it's also not enough to just look beautiful, we have to be beautiful INSIDE and out too.

We are expected to lead somewhat healthy lives and to have toned bodies and perfect boobs and perfect tummies and toned arms. And we are supposed to be all that AND be confident and ambitious and want to thrive and have dreams. To look like living barbie dolls, or at least, as close as we can get to supermodels.

Sheesh.

Unless, of course, you are a supermodel, then this isn't meant for you. I'll do up another post for you. But I digress.

Recently there was a pull-out feature in The New Paper on Sunday, a beauty guide on "how to lose weight and how to look 20 years younger". I was like, WHAT THE ****?!

Very obviously targeted at women, and I can imagine how many women would think that there is a problem with them that they never thought of before. Then, there is my 13 year old sister reading it, commenting that she should try some of the stuff.

How many of us want people who will just accept us for who we are?

But who are we exactly, hiding behind all this armor, disguised as "beauty", and not really revealing who we are because we never want to appear ugly and unattractive. So we choose the safer option: we shave our legs, dye our hair, put on make-up because quite frankly, it is still a men's world, and we'd have to play by their rules if we want to succeed.. right?

I suppose that would apply assuming you want to compete in that world.

But unless we do something about it, nothing will ever change. (I am not suggesting a riot okay! Calm down!)

For the most part, I've stopped reading beauty magazines. I do my hair however I like. Sometimes I go out without make-up. Sometimes I put on make-up. My legs are sometimes fuzzy. I run how much or how little I want to.

To use a cliché- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You do whatever you like, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. As long as you are most comfortable wearing whatever or dressing however then go ahead!

So what if you don't wear heels? So what if you wear false eyelashes everyday?  Just make sure it is for YOU and not because it might be how some guy/ the world/ other women might see you, okay?

It's time to stop living in someone else's eyes and re-define what we see beauty and strength as. One person at a time.

Till the next post, have a good day!

P.s. I know this post was very heterosexual female based, and lengthy. Thanks for reading!

The lesbian fantasy, blah blah.

So it seems that I am pretty hung up about this topic of feminism right now. And if I were still seeing this person from my past, he would probably say that this is "my current favourite topic.. and the only thing I ever talk about". Which probably won't be very far from the truth.

But this is the truth: Women have so much to live up to nowadays.

Not only do we have to want to be successful, and to look good while doing "womanly" things (or look "womanly" doing "non-womanly" things such as bodybuilding) we also have to be subjects of judgement from men, and other women too! Now, they have to "fake it" to be desirable to men? Oh, come on!

Previously I said that I will talk about the fantasy (and double standard mention in Jessica Valenti's book) about the lesbian fantasy, and how it is acceptable for guys to have a "fetish" for girl-on-girl action (only if both of them are hot, of course), but when it comes to gays, it's all CRINGE and GROSS.

I am going to try to start this with what I think is the reason for this. One word: Porn.

Or, pornography, if you prefer.
Pornography has made it okay, and arguably acceptable for them to have all these strange fantasies (though you could argue that it is a fantasy) but the part that irks, and bothers me is the representation of women, and of true lesbians.

I am not saying that these porn stars aren't true lesbians (they might be!). But this very act of hamming it up for the camera creates a rather saddening and dangerous trend that affects all other women too.

Recently, I was taken slightly back when one of the guys I used to go out with told me that he saw two girls kissing on the train, and he found it "hot". In my head the first thing I thought of was: What if it was two guys kissing? Would it still be hot?

The answer would, sadly, most likely be no.

And thankfully, I am no longer associated with that guy too, but I digress.
While hot lesbians (who look like heterosexual females putting on a show)are OK, gay guys, no matter how hot, are not. Think Broke back mountain jokes, and all other gay-centric jokes.

The worse thing is, I know more than one person with a hot lesbian fantasy. These guys assume that these lesbians would want to 'get it on' with them too. And they would like to be part of the action. (Yes, they imagine themselves in bed with lesbians..)

But what they probably don't realise is that, the real life lesbians are probably not a lot like those they imagine(I heard there is a terms for these type of "hot lesbians" called lipstick lesbians.. I'll get to that in a bit).

I hate to be the one to break it to you, guys, but if they're lesbians, what makes you think they'll be interested in having any sort of action with you in the first place? Did it not occur to you that they are lesbians?

I mentioned 'lipstick lesbians' earlier, and this is from wikipedia (I know I know, but it makes my point):

"...Lipstick lesbian is a slang term used to describe lesbian and bisexual women who exhibit feminine gender attributes, such as wearing make-up (thus, lipstick), wearing dresses or skirts and perhaps having other characteristics associated with feminine women.

In mainstream American films, lesbians are often portrayed according to the lipstick lesbian stereotype to be more sexually attractive to male viewers... Most female same-sex sex scenes in mainstream pornography are also portrayed in this way."

Wait wait.. Let's see that again:

"In mainstream American films, lesbians are often portrayed according to the lipstick lesbian stereotype to be more sexually attractive to male viewers"

What what.. WHAT? Making lesbians more sexually attractive to male viewers? What is up with that? And the whole point being what? That lesbians are females too, and therefore all things female, or at least, all things with vaginas belong to men?

Come on guys, you'd know better than that (I hope).

When we are not seeing straight, and when the world is viewed through the male-gaze (even if you are a woman), there really is something wrong.

I do get upset when women have to resort to being over-sexual, or desperately try to play out to every fantasy a guy might have.

So I say, if you are one of those with a "HLB" (hot lesbian fantasy), yet at the same time, cringe when you are see butches (yes! They exist! And they are REAL!) and other types of lesbians (unlike those in pornos and TV and in your fantasies), then please wake up.

Perhaps we all want to feel wanted, even by those who, in reality, do not desire us, thus we keep them in a certain light, and play up these fantasies to keep women in their place.. (to always want to be desirable to men).

There is so much more to talk about but then, if I did, I might never end!

So if you know someone who displays the double standard (lesbians ok/ gays nay) and you are sick of it, let them know! It is ok to be annoyed.. I very much am!

And if you are one of those with the fantasy, then maybe you should be more aware of the realities, and that porno is not real life. I know you know that. But I'm just saying.

Everyone is entitled to their fantasies, of course, I just won't let it go if this fantasy is unjust towards your treatment or view of either gender.

This is not a post about lesbianism, as that topic itself is so broad and there are so many aspects to be covered.. If I ever do. I do hope your view of the lesbian fantasy is a bit less hazy now, and that you do know that it is an image conjured by men for other men, with women's sexuality as a tool.

I will talk about the male-gaze and how it has affected me, personally, in my next post.

Till then, have a good day!

Gender issues

Before I begin, let me make it clear that I am not angry, and I am in fact, rather calm as I write this.

I am reading 'He's a stud, She's a slut and 49 other double standards that every woman should know' by Jessica Valenti and I think it is a very enlightening and wonderful book that illustrates a lot of the double standards that exist in society today (yes! They do exist!)
Some of these includes issues close to my heart, such as how men are allowed to do certain things, and behave in certain ways (any way they so please, actually, AND get away with it) while women have to contend with being labelled negatively or even judged.

I do think that a lot of gender stereotypes and sexism still exist, and they are more prevalent than you can realise. As such, I'd like to address some of them here
I'll look at two issues today, the first being:

Men are allowed to be alone , but if a woman does it, she's pathetic, or lonely.

Why is it that men are allowed to eat alone, and live alone and do things alone and no one will bat an eyelid. In fact, when a man does it, he's independent. Women, on the other hand, if doing anything alone, are perceived as 'strange' or 'loners', and if eating alone, is often seen as 'sad', and felt sorry for.

Sounds silly, doesn't it?

So make it stop! If you see someone, man OR woman eating, walking etc alone, just leave them alone! They might be enjoying a peaceful moment on their own, and your pity/ sympathy is not necessary. So carry on with your life, they will be fine and they probably are fine.

Now consider this:

Men get angry, but women have PMS.

You may chuckle at the thought, but is truer than you think (for me, at least). The only funny thing here is how when guys get angry it is serious. But when women get angry, it is assumed that it is alright to laugh it off, and all is ok.

All is NOT ok.

I have had guys tell me: "You look so cute when you are angry".. I didn't know it then, but now that I see it is indeed a form of sexism, because it is not respecting my right to be angry and to express my anger. And by doing so, I am not being taken seriously and it is disrespectful towards me.
How many times have I heard other girls trying to convince me (and themselves) that what they experience as anger is just PMS, or frustrations, which are nothing. Hello, since when was it ever wrong to be angry?

Don't give me the bullshit that women get angry more often than men. Or that they are more prone to anger, therefore their tempers should not be taken as seriously. I'm not talking about vapid airheads who throw tantrums and make unreasonable demands (BOTH girls and guys), but people like you and me.

I am not saying these feelings won't pass.. Of course they will. But I do not see why we have to apologise for emotions that both genders are entitled to!

So, I say we start to accept that it is our right to be angry whenever we want (with good reason, of course, and unless it really is PMS.). Do not feel apologetic or guilty for being angry (eg. 'it is against my nature..') If anyone tries to tell us that we are having PMS or that our anger is "dramatic" or silly, call them out on their bullshit.

To all those guys whom thought my genuine anger was cute, I regret not saying this before but this: f**k you and your sexist attitude!

I know some of you are going what's the big deal Sarah, are you having PMS? Why are you so angry, did someone do something to you?

If you are one of those, then you are completely missing the point, and all I can say is that I really do hope you don't have a cock, because otherwise, I'd tell you to take your sexist attitude and shove it up your ass (unless you enjoy that kinda thing, then I'd suggest something else).

Don't even get me started on guys and lesbian fantasies.

You know what, I will get started on that.. In my next post!

Thanks for reading.