It's not going so well but it's better than I expected

There are many thoughts in my head tonight. It's almost two months since... Well. It's ok. It has been a good two months. God has been kind to me. I feel almost like I am starting to understand things again.

I don't like talking these days. This is all right. It always gets better. I have a new phone. It's really really brilliant. I'm using the Samsung Galaxy Note 2, and I can say now that this is the best thing I've spent my money on this year. It feels like old times with the LG Arena. Those were good times. I was in love, I was young, I was silly. It's a little bit different now.

I drew a picture today but it turned out awful because I hadn't practiced using water with the water soluble pencil. Silly. The picture attached shows it before I attempted to be "brave"...So much for bravery. At least I tried! Can't show the end results. Too awful.

Anyway. Here I am, sending a note to the God of the Internet. I mean like, God is everywhere right? go might as well write something here so I'd have proof that I've asked. * Deep breath *

Dear God,

I know I've asked for many things (and quite a few times, at that!) and yes, there is a 'but' coming (of course you already know this... you're God, for Your sake!) OK. First, let me get this clear: I am EXTREMELY grateful for everything and all the love you have shown me. Thank you for making My life liveable and wonderful.

But dear God, could you please please send someone RIGHT for me? The last one didn't work so I tried to "return to sender" but he didn't quite know where to go.

l dream a lot these days, God. I dream of things that I hope to have someday. l dream of not waking up. I dream of ghosts. I dream of things changing.

It is difficult to do small things with great love because it feels like this concept is escaping me. Please God, do not let me build these walls because I feel like I am becoming a little bit hollow.

That is all. Thanks in advance.

Actually, no.

Watching Iron Man on tv, and I get the whole thing about Robert Downey Jr being cool and all that, but eating my banana cake and watching him go about his antics, I felt myself getting more and more riled up.

Would this character work if it were a female? No wait, let me rephrase that. Would we like the female alternative of Iron Man?  No, no, no. That is not right. Would we accept a strong female character as readily? It's strange isn't it, that if someone like Tony Stark acts the way he acts, and talks the way he talks, he's just a cocky rich boy being himself, and it's endearing and acceptable. What if it were a female equivalent? Oh gosh, she'd he such a bitch, wouldn't she? Worse if she isn't busty or clad in something for you to look at.

I don't think I'm making a big fuss out of this. Come on, it's just a movie, you say. Yes, it is a movie, but I believe that if we stop questioning these double standards (and really start accepting them) then honestly, you're doing no one any favours. The world doesn't need more people perpetuating stereotypes. It certainly doesn't need people making women feel bad for being who they are (come on, stop letting them say it's PMS. Honestly, people have to accept that women DO get angry too).

For the most part, act the way you feel is worthy. Be kind, be grateful. Be angry when you are, but always remember:

Bad behavior is gender neutral, let's keep it that way. It is unacceptable for both men and women, and any other gender in between. Let us not say it's ok for one, and not the other.

Have a great day!  

The Fat Plan

I'm angry.

In fact, it irks me to realize what a hypocrite I've become. I've come to the sad and frustrating conclusion that Certain things will never be considered beautiful. Not in this decade anyway.

Let's be honest. Being a nerd will never be cool either. Sure, you can fall for the "geeky" type, but this "geek", too, I'd an idealized version of what a nerd should be.

I'm guessing that if he were truly a "nerd" (ironically, through my own stereotypical views, and experience with unpretentious technicians and the like), and came with his body odor, riddled with acne, scrawniness (or obesity, due to addiction to mayonnaise) and social awkwardness, you might not even prod him with a ten foot bamboo pole, let alone idealize this very real character. Sure, the braces and intelligence are quite uhm. Cute. But BO? Not so. And real nerds don't wear "geek specs", by the way.

Dove did well with its 'Campaign for real beauty'. Suddenly, plus sized models were enjoying the limelight, changing the look of modeling and what 'ideal' beauty was. It was like suddenly, we all felt happy to have wrinkles, freckles, simply skin, curvy bodies!

But something must have changed in the minds of people because eventually when the hype died down, suddenly we had Kim Kardashan went through a freaking bootcamp to prepare for her wedding, and 18 year old Charice went for Botox because her face was "too round". America's Next Top Model is going into it's which season again? Kudos to Tyra for trying, but it's not enough! It'll never be enough.

I suppose we weren't born this way. We work for our bodies, hoping to reach impossible ideals like celebrities, and people we see in magazines and posters. Gaga is an inspiration, but at times she becomes lost in her own world, and again, makes it impossible for us mere mortals to keep up with. I'm sure no one will find it amusing if I were to turn up for dinner in a steak dress.

I look at Kate Gosselin (from Jon and Kate plus 8) and see her transformation from 'plain Jane' (read as: one of us) to glamazon who eventually perhaps destroys her marriage (Jon is also responsible) and it saddens me that she had to up her game to keep up with the media. Let's take this moment to also remember Susan Boyle. Why? "Ugly" people don't have talent is it?

Why are we shocked when people who are not close to the ideal of beauty- ordinary people- display some sort of talent that supposedly only beautiful people should possess? Doesn't make sense does it?

Anyone who doesn't consider the ideal surely has a "fetish". And if they are celebrities and will therefore be impossible to see as 'role models', why then do we still consider them 'the standard'? Oh yes, it is also not enough to look like a celebrity. One should also have some kind of wonderful personality too!

Pfft. This is where I roll my eyes.

Somewhere along the way I must have lost myself in all this hype of being "beautiful". Truth is, we're all different, but in this day and age, we are still living in a freaking man's world. It makes me angry to say this, and angrier to feel like I have accepted it.

But I want to fight this. I have to.

I will first need to strengthen my mind and prepare my body. To change my mindset. Reframing thoughts here and there again.

Only when we have accepted change for ourself that we will be able to affect change in others, if ever. Let's keep our minds open, and work towards change. Let's open our hearts to what real beauty is, whatever it means to us. Let us be strong in our minds and not let anyone make us feel inadequate or unpretty (Yep. I just quoted TLC).

It is time.

Girl love

Before we start, I would like to state clearly that I am not gay.

I have nothing against gays, and I do not think that there is something inherently wrong with you if you are. But I must make this very clear before I go on to today's topic.

A spate of recent events have led me to think about this:
Is there such a thing as a platonic relationship between same genders?

I used to think that I would never ever be close to girls, especially since if you are close to someone, it may mean that they may end up liking you romantically. At least, that is what I thought happens between girls and boys. Also, girls are complicated! They are bitchy, they back-stab, they criticise... blah lah blah blahdeBLAH!

Unless you are one of those girls with traits that i mentioned above (well, if you are, BE GONE! you are not welcome here.. ), I don't see why there is a problem.

Simply put, if you are apprehensive about making friends with other girls because you are afraid of what they will do to you, then surely you can expect that the may be thinking the same of you! And everyone keeps away because they are afraid that they might get hurt.. But if you are generally afraid of getting close to people because you are scared that they might leave, it's another topic altogether. And I digress.

Why can't we say "I love you" to each other without feeling like we are freaks or we must be *gasp* lesbians!

So if I tell my mother I love her, does that make me a.. *gasp* incestuous lesbian?!

Sorry, Mom.

And what do we do when we are accused of being gay? We defend ourselves, we get angry, we question ourselves, we question others... should we stop being who we are because people might talk about us? Should we stop talking to each other? Would it be awkward? Is it too idealistic to think that people don't matter? Because people do matter. Perception is reality, and how someone views becomes who you are!

But we can't control perceptions. So what's a girl to do?

Already, I feel the pressure as a heterosexual being accused of homosexuality. No wonder so many people stay in the closet! If people aren't even allowed to be who they are (or are not), what kind of world are we creating for ourselves?

Then comes the question: What if you start to fall for each other? If you spend a lot of time with someone, you might end up having sexual/ romantic thoughts about him/ her right?

I love Peter the cat. I see him everyday, I talk to him, I cuddle him. Does that make me a practitioner of bestiality? Hell, no. Arguably that was a simplistic argument, but surely you know of friends whom you will never ever fall for, and it never ever crossed your mind to begin with, so why is this any different?

As a connoisseur of love (self proclaimed), I can assure you that there are so many forms of love around.

Let's all take a step back, and think about the ambiguous and arbitrary nature of words and their meanings.

Everything in context*, please!


* Also the title of my Final Year Project!

Instead of wasting precious time speculating about their relationships and whether or not they are gay, why not go out there and find your own best friend or activity partner (if you haven't already) and you will know what I'm talking about. and by then, you will be so busy having fun that you won't even have time to speculate.
So girls, stop hatin' on each other, if you are still one of those wary girls who have very few girl friends because you are afraid that they will "snatch your bf" (in other words, competition), in which case, I recommend letting those people go because they are not worth your time! Also I recommend working on some of your insecurity issues, though for myself it is a never ending battle but we have to keep fighting!

Don't even get me started on the Female Chauvanist Pigs! They aren't interested in girl friends, so if you know one, get the hell outta there!

Unless you have found a boy who enjoys getting manicures done, and who would love to listen to you talk about how ill you are, or enjoys discussing tampons and pads, then I am very sure that girls are your best bet! I am sure there are guys like who are genuinely interested in these things, and if you found them, great.

And oh yes, one more thing I dislike:
Bromance- The term reeks of homophobia! Because *gasp* boys can't be friends! Surely they are... gay! Yes, let's make them feel ashamed for feeling love for each other! What better way to describe a relationship between two guys than to make fun of it? Good job, Hollywood.

So stop all the accusations already. Get a life! And I mean that in the best possible sense. As in, get a life, and be happy!

Have a good day!

The Male-gaze and internal change.

In one of my earlier posts I mentioned the male-gaze. It is basically the idea in which we see the world through the eyes of men (even if we are women). To put it in much simpler terms: The reason why we do anything, is to appeal to the male view of how we should be. We think of things in terms of how a man might see it.

For example, since when did shaving legs become mandatory for a woman's attractiveness? I want you to think about a woman in a short skirt. And you look down at her legs, and suddenly you see hairy legs. Oh my god, so gross, right?

If you think about it, which part of shaving your legs benefits you? It is neither more hygienic to shave your legs, nor does it have any health benefits (in fact you spend time and money on shaving or waxing or whatever it is).

Same goes for armpits, and even your vagina. Bushy vags are a no-no.. Unless well, he has some kind of fetish. Fetish? C'mon now.

You'd think that we were all meant to be born hairless, and somehow God decided to play a cruel prank on womankind and decided that hey, let me put all this hair on women and see how quickly they can get it off!

If you are anything like me, and you're wondering, what to do next? Should I shave my legs because it'll just be conforming to the standards of what is beautiful?  Or should I go au naturel? Well. It's very much up to you, really. Just remember that no one can condemn you for the decisions you make, though I still very much recommend deodorant, hairless or no.

The beauty industry works like this. They play on your insecurities (I do admit, I am very much a victim as much as I try not to be) and somehow I notice it has mostly been targeted at women! No surprise, considering that we are the ones who have to change this, and buy this and that to look more attractive, to lose weight, to have a more toned body, to be more attractive... Yes yes.. But to whom?

Do you see where I am getting at?

Sure, I hear some of you protesting that you do "dress up for yourself", but while this might be true, there are still many others (myself included) who are quite unsure why we dress the way we do or behave the way we do.

Somewhere along the lines, it became a norm for women to appear super-sexual, but at the same time, get this: they are not supposed to be really sexual. Just appear so, to be attractive, but don't actually do anything because if you do, you're a whore!

Let's talk about clubbing attire, for example. While you hardly see guys turning up in speedos or something along those lines, there are the women in micro-mini dresses and pieces of cloth that are marketed as clubbing gear, and they feel wonderful in them, because they are full of confidence in themselves. These are the ones who are "fun-loving" and they are "hot". But are they they ones you'd want to marry, guys? While there may a few "why nots", I can be very certain that most views would be a "no frickin way".

Ok, so maybe I don't know how comfortable those costumes really are, but for the most part, there we are, parading ourselves, making fools of ourselves in our tiny attires. It does nothing to gain respect of any sort, and let alone bring you the happiness that you so crave for.

Let's move on to my next favourite exploitation: Make-up.

Make-up is nasty stuff. It clogs pores, feels nasty on skin, and mascara is a bitch to remove after a long day. Plus it smudges, and it makes my eyelids feel heavy. It is costly and yet, it is so important.

But I would be a hypocrite if I say I am unaffected by the whole beauty industry.

Everyday I still put on my make-up because I don't want to appear unattractive, or at least, less horrific to the rest of the world. Nowadays, it's also not enough to just look beautiful, we have to be beautiful INSIDE and out too.

We are expected to lead somewhat healthy lives and to have toned bodies and perfect boobs and perfect tummies and toned arms. And we are supposed to be all that AND be confident and ambitious and want to thrive and have dreams. To look like living barbie dolls, or at least, as close as we can get to supermodels.

Sheesh.

Unless, of course, you are a supermodel, then this isn't meant for you. I'll do up another post for you. But I digress.

Recently there was a pull-out feature in The New Paper on Sunday, a beauty guide on "how to lose weight and how to look 20 years younger". I was like, WHAT THE ****?!

Very obviously targeted at women, and I can imagine how many women would think that there is a problem with them that they never thought of before. Then, there is my 13 year old sister reading it, commenting that she should try some of the stuff.

How many of us want people who will just accept us for who we are?

But who are we exactly, hiding behind all this armor, disguised as "beauty", and not really revealing who we are because we never want to appear ugly and unattractive. So we choose the safer option: we shave our legs, dye our hair, put on make-up because quite frankly, it is still a men's world, and we'd have to play by their rules if we want to succeed.. right?

I suppose that would apply assuming you want to compete in that world.

But unless we do something about it, nothing will ever change. (I am not suggesting a riot okay! Calm down!)

For the most part, I've stopped reading beauty magazines. I do my hair however I like. Sometimes I go out without make-up. Sometimes I put on make-up. My legs are sometimes fuzzy. I run how much or how little I want to.

To use a cliché- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You do whatever you like, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. As long as you are most comfortable wearing whatever or dressing however then go ahead!

So what if you don't wear heels? So what if you wear false eyelashes everyday?  Just make sure it is for YOU and not because it might be how some guy/ the world/ other women might see you, okay?

It's time to stop living in someone else's eyes and re-define what we see beauty and strength as. One person at a time.

Till the next post, have a good day!

P.s. I know this post was very heterosexual female based, and lengthy. Thanks for reading!

The lesbian fantasy, blah blah.

So it seems that I am pretty hung up about this topic of feminism right now. And if I were still seeing this person from my past, he would probably say that this is "my current favourite topic.. and the only thing I ever talk about". Which probably won't be very far from the truth.

But this is the truth: Women have so much to live up to nowadays.

Not only do we have to want to be successful, and to look good while doing "womanly" things (or look "womanly" doing "non-womanly" things such as bodybuilding) we also have to be subjects of judgement from men, and other women too! Now, they have to "fake it" to be desirable to men? Oh, come on!

Previously I said that I will talk about the fantasy (and double standard mention in Jessica Valenti's book) about the lesbian fantasy, and how it is acceptable for guys to have a "fetish" for girl-on-girl action (only if both of them are hot, of course), but when it comes to gays, it's all CRINGE and GROSS.

I am going to try to start this with what I think is the reason for this. One word: Porn.

Or, pornography, if you prefer.
Pornography has made it okay, and arguably acceptable for them to have all these strange fantasies (though you could argue that it is a fantasy) but the part that irks, and bothers me is the representation of women, and of true lesbians.

I am not saying that these porn stars aren't true lesbians (they might be!). But this very act of hamming it up for the camera creates a rather saddening and dangerous trend that affects all other women too.

Recently, I was taken slightly back when one of the guys I used to go out with told me that he saw two girls kissing on the train, and he found it "hot". In my head the first thing I thought of was: What if it was two guys kissing? Would it still be hot?

The answer would, sadly, most likely be no.

And thankfully, I am no longer associated with that guy too, but I digress.
While hot lesbians (who look like heterosexual females putting on a show)are OK, gay guys, no matter how hot, are not. Think Broke back mountain jokes, and all other gay-centric jokes.

The worse thing is, I know more than one person with a hot lesbian fantasy. These guys assume that these lesbians would want to 'get it on' with them too. And they would like to be part of the action. (Yes, they imagine themselves in bed with lesbians..)

But what they probably don't realise is that, the real life lesbians are probably not a lot like those they imagine(I heard there is a terms for these type of "hot lesbians" called lipstick lesbians.. I'll get to that in a bit).

I hate to be the one to break it to you, guys, but if they're lesbians, what makes you think they'll be interested in having any sort of action with you in the first place? Did it not occur to you that they are lesbians?

I mentioned 'lipstick lesbians' earlier, and this is from wikipedia (I know I know, but it makes my point):

"...Lipstick lesbian is a slang term used to describe lesbian and bisexual women who exhibit feminine gender attributes, such as wearing make-up (thus, lipstick), wearing dresses or skirts and perhaps having other characteristics associated with feminine women.

In mainstream American films, lesbians are often portrayed according to the lipstick lesbian stereotype to be more sexually attractive to male viewers... Most female same-sex sex scenes in mainstream pornography are also portrayed in this way."

Wait wait.. Let's see that again:

"In mainstream American films, lesbians are often portrayed according to the lipstick lesbian stereotype to be more sexually attractive to male viewers"

What what.. WHAT? Making lesbians more sexually attractive to male viewers? What is up with that? And the whole point being what? That lesbians are females too, and therefore all things female, or at least, all things with vaginas belong to men?

Come on guys, you'd know better than that (I hope).

When we are not seeing straight, and when the world is viewed through the male-gaze (even if you are a woman), there really is something wrong.

I do get upset when women have to resort to being over-sexual, or desperately try to play out to every fantasy a guy might have.

So I say, if you are one of those with a "HLB" (hot lesbian fantasy), yet at the same time, cringe when you are see butches (yes! They exist! And they are REAL!) and other types of lesbians (unlike those in pornos and TV and in your fantasies), then please wake up.

Perhaps we all want to feel wanted, even by those who, in reality, do not desire us, thus we keep them in a certain light, and play up these fantasies to keep women in their place.. (to always want to be desirable to men).

There is so much more to talk about but then, if I did, I might never end!

So if you know someone who displays the double standard (lesbians ok/ gays nay) and you are sick of it, let them know! It is ok to be annoyed.. I very much am!

And if you are one of those with the fantasy, then maybe you should be more aware of the realities, and that porno is not real life. I know you know that. But I'm just saying.

Everyone is entitled to their fantasies, of course, I just won't let it go if this fantasy is unjust towards your treatment or view of either gender.

This is not a post about lesbianism, as that topic itself is so broad and there are so many aspects to be covered.. If I ever do. I do hope your view of the lesbian fantasy is a bit less hazy now, and that you do know that it is an image conjured by men for other men, with women's sexuality as a tool.

I will talk about the male-gaze and how it has affected me, personally, in my next post.

Till then, have a good day!

Gender issues

Before I begin, let me make it clear that I am not angry, and I am in fact, rather calm as I write this.

I am reading 'He's a stud, She's a slut and 49 other double standards that every woman should know' by Jessica Valenti and I think it is a very enlightening and wonderful book that illustrates a lot of the double standards that exist in society today (yes! They do exist!)
Some of these includes issues close to my heart, such as how men are allowed to do certain things, and behave in certain ways (any way they so please, actually, AND get away with it) while women have to contend with being labelled negatively or even judged.

I do think that a lot of gender stereotypes and sexism still exist, and they are more prevalent than you can realise. As such, I'd like to address some of them here
I'll look at two issues today, the first being:

Men are allowed to be alone , but if a woman does it, she's pathetic, or lonely.

Why is it that men are allowed to eat alone, and live alone and do things alone and no one will bat an eyelid. In fact, when a man does it, he's independent. Women, on the other hand, if doing anything alone, are perceived as 'strange' or 'loners', and if eating alone, is often seen as 'sad', and felt sorry for.

Sounds silly, doesn't it?

So make it stop! If you see someone, man OR woman eating, walking etc alone, just leave them alone! They might be enjoying a peaceful moment on their own, and your pity/ sympathy is not necessary. So carry on with your life, they will be fine and they probably are fine.

Now consider this:

Men get angry, but women have PMS.

You may chuckle at the thought, but is truer than you think (for me, at least). The only funny thing here is how when guys get angry it is serious. But when women get angry, it is assumed that it is alright to laugh it off, and all is ok.

All is NOT ok.

I have had guys tell me: "You look so cute when you are angry".. I didn't know it then, but now that I see it is indeed a form of sexism, because it is not respecting my right to be angry and to express my anger. And by doing so, I am not being taken seriously and it is disrespectful towards me.
How many times have I heard other girls trying to convince me (and themselves) that what they experience as anger is just PMS, or frustrations, which are nothing. Hello, since when was it ever wrong to be angry?

Don't give me the bullshit that women get angry more often than men. Or that they are more prone to anger, therefore their tempers should not be taken as seriously. I'm not talking about vapid airheads who throw tantrums and make unreasonable demands (BOTH girls and guys), but people like you and me.

I am not saying these feelings won't pass.. Of course they will. But I do not see why we have to apologise for emotions that both genders are entitled to!

So, I say we start to accept that it is our right to be angry whenever we want (with good reason, of course, and unless it really is PMS.). Do not feel apologetic or guilty for being angry (eg. 'it is against my nature..') If anyone tries to tell us that we are having PMS or that our anger is "dramatic" or silly, call them out on their bullshit.

To all those guys whom thought my genuine anger was cute, I regret not saying this before but this: f**k you and your sexist attitude!

I know some of you are going what's the big deal Sarah, are you having PMS? Why are you so angry, did someone do something to you?

If you are one of those, then you are completely missing the point, and all I can say is that I really do hope you don't have a cock, because otherwise, I'd tell you to take your sexist attitude and shove it up your ass (unless you enjoy that kinda thing, then I'd suggest something else).

Don't even get me started on guys and lesbian fantasies.

You know what, I will get started on that.. In my next post!

Thanks for reading.