Xin chào, Viet nam!

A week after returning from Vietnam, and I have fully recovered from the cold I caught on the last day of my trip. All I have to say is that it is a beautiful place, and I was so blessed to have been able to travel with my students. It was primarily a work trip, but I am glad to say that I went. Now that I am well enough to type a lot, I shall be recounting the experience (as much as I can.. Pardon me if I get tried half-way. Gosh. My stamina these days..). I will share some photos and a little bit about what I learnt/ saw/ felt etc.

May 2014

Hi all,

There is so much work that is waiting for me right now.. Unmarked essays which I find that I have very little motivation to do, setting a mid-year paper that I am really not looking forward to.. And planning lessons for next week.. Three more weeks till the exams, and it's just really crazy. Of course, crazy is relative. It's probably not as crazy as some of your lives.. and I guess I have nothing much to complain about.

Yesterday marked the end of the Dance madness. The concert was a success. I have no regrets, though I really hope that I handled the crowd well enough. I cannot imagine having to face angry guests and having people be mad at you for a long time. Last night's events really affected me emotionally. Never have I had to face people waving tickets in my face and practically shouting in my face (yes, people can be rude.. But I understand how they must feel). But handled it alright nonetheless. Yay me!

Helping the students paint their faces the whole day, talking to some of them, comforting, easing their worries.. All in a day's work. And at the end of the day, I didn't do that much at all! Haha! But it was good.

As I cross over into my late twenties (wow, such a biggie.. I know right), I feel rather ambivalent. Yet, I cannot deny the excitement that I feel for this new chapter.

Recovering (slowly) from an inflamed throat, I am building things from bottom up again. My confidence, my ability. I am trying new things with my art, but I feel maybe it is best not to show people what I am doing. Critics abound, and not everyone has something pleasant to say. I suppose that is part of the process, and while I know I am not doing things to please people, I have not learnt to deal with the sting that comes from someone hating or making harsh comments on my work. Some day, perhaps. My boyfriend has been most supportive of me, and I appreciate it so much.

I did not think I would pass two birthdays without Jaspreet. Ok.. getting teary eyed and choked up right now. I miss her terribly, and I know this will pass. Practical people would say that she is happy and that I should be happy for her and all that... But it doesn't stop me from missing her.

On to happier things. I am going to see Grease tonight!! I remember in secondary school (gosh. It's been ten years) hoping and praying that there would be a Grease musical in Singapore and that I would surely go see it... and now. Wow. Thank you God.

There is a lot more I would like to do and talk about. But that would be for another day.

Late 20s. Here I come. :)

OK I AM REALLY SAD LA. TRUTH. But haiya trying to be positive about it okay.  I worry about lots of things: i.e. I am turning 26.. What have I done with my life? Where will I be? And all other things and worries that a 26 year old might have. Actually I don't know what worries a 26 year old has. It should vary, I think. I want to settle my mind.

I like routine. I like the everydayness of things. I can't wait to fall back into a routine. I like to be the one doing nice things that impress people. I like impressing people. I like order. I like rules. I like people to say "Good job, Sarah". But at the same time, I like to create new things.

It is really the small everydayness that makes me glad. A 20 min sketch. Looking out of the bus window in my journey home. Thinking about Petechang. I am not difficult to impress. Ok, granted I may be difficult to impress in certain areas (i.e. knowledge of cats and cat behavior. The only other persons whom I will admit to are better than me are a) Dr Bruce Fogle and b) Jackson Galaxy. Are you Jackson Galaxy? No? Then STFU. Can a 26 year old say STFU? I guess so.) but for the most part I am very happy with most things. Although my boyfriend may say a different thing, I assure you that he will also say he deeply loves me because I have this.. Gratitude for life.

I know everything will fall into place. I will continue to have love and faith. TWENTY SIX. Here I come. Everything is going to be all right. Hang on.. I meant to say that EVERYTHING WILL BE AWESOME!

And I have used the world 'everydayness' quite a bit. How odd.

Have a blessed day. Will let you know how 26 is for me!

Love,
S.

Lessons learnt

I'm using this blogger app I just downloaded called bloggerzoid because the official Blogger app is really terrible.

It's 4am now and I'm on my third day of "vacation". I have had no choice but to spend my first two days doing work related activities.

I feel like it bas been quite awhile since I've blogged. And erm. I've re-opened my etsy shop!

In other news.. I have found the most wonderful man I could ever have, and he is indeed most wonderful for me. :)

He has also introduced me to this game called Abalone, and though it sounds like the shellfish, it is nothing of that sort. My boyfriend is a brilliant player, and I am picking up so much from him! Ok and yes, I am trying to win.. hahaha.

But if anything, I have learnt this mich after being in a relationship with B the past few months:

1) you can be perfectly happy in a relationship
2) problems are smaller when you solve them together
3) two imperfect people can find perfection in each other (cliche, but it is my blog!!!)
4) sometimes it is much easier for someone else to see our worth because we are so critical of ourselves
5) if you do not support your partner, then it ain't gonna work out
6) love is a truly powerful force

I'm learning to be a better and stronger person every day.

Hope this inspires you to have a great week ahead! :)

Not much of a reflection but it's good enough.

I think about the year gone by, I think about how 2014 is going to be. I think it will all turn out well, because I have love. It sounds silly but I do believe it so much.

I am happy.

I think this will also be the year I let you go, Jaspreet. I miss you; we all do. You are always in my heart, you are always with me. It is wonderful.

Thank you for blessing me. ♡

December is here.

Dear Jaspreet, 
 
Just an update of stuff. This blog has seemed to become a place to collect mush and virtual dust. Hehe. There have been so many things going on in the real world, and with the holidays here, I'm busier than ever being out there enjoying my life.

Life with my nugget is wonderful, and he has set me up for a some fake proposals, all very well done to throw me off guard! Hahaha. But it is all well, because he knows, and I know, that there really isn't anyone else I'd want to be with.

He is my once in a lifetime, and this is something that I would hold on to, and cherish. He brings out the better half of me, and loves even the parts that I hate. He listens when I can't speak, and talks to me when I need to listen. It may be early to say, but I knew, even before this, that he was to be someone I'd have a great affinity with (cheesy as it sounds). 

I wear our rings (yes. I am actually finally doing couply things. You can laugh now. But please don't laugh so loud. Thanks.) because I have never been more sure of anyone. Yes. I did just say that. Don't laugh. Hehe.

This holiday, I baked an ombre cake, I made Earl grey tea cakes, I've gotten the ring that I wanted, I help my dad with the business, I've been showered with love from family and our friends (and of course the above mentioned sweetheart) and really. It has been amazing.

Of course, I miss you a lot, Jaspreet. I really wish you were here to be happy with us, and to share and bask in the happiness of the season.  Of everything,  actually. I was talking to Ching today, and she mentioned that I get sad when I talk about death, though for her, goodbyes are more difficult. It would be very safe to say that we both miss you a lot.

To me, death has been a goodbye to you. It has taken you away, and though sometimes I speak to you in my heart, I'm not sure if you can hear it, you know? It is, perhaps, the mind's way of putting myself to sleep at night; you can hear me, you are listening. But it doesn't feel the same. But it is difficult for me because I can't tell you and be sure you've heard it.  There aren't the two ticks like on whatsapp to tell me that my message has been delivered. It just feels incomplete at times. Yet, at others, there is no doubt the universe has sent the message, and you have received it with thanks.

Sometimes, among the living, we leave things unsaid, thinking that the other party will know and understand. Or maybe we feel that these words and feelings are best concealed in the heart, where whatever love and emotion you feel does not have to be expressed. It becomes a private little show, a private thought, something you hold on to when you feel like you are losing it, or it could even comfort you, knowing that you still have feelings, and that something still beats within you.

Jaspreet, I have tried to be the one to light up their lives. I have tried, but it is too immense a task to take upon myself, and this I see and understand now. I can't be the second in command.  No one expects me to, and I thank them for it.

B has helped (and is still helping) me while the others were finding strength and ways to deal with their pain and loss. I must say, they are amazing people and I love them immensely. We each have our own way, and it is good that we can be with each other as well.

For me, B has taken me out of the darkness, especially the times where I was drowning in so much sadness and pain that I could not control, and that I could not understand. But this is not why I love him.

I love him because he is a man of character, just like what I've always imagined my other half to be. Because he is kind, and he is love. Because he chose love, and because he is a wonderful man. A man. Real man okay. Not fake fake japalang one ok.

I try to spend a bit of every day thinking about you. Why only try? Because some days I don't have to try, that's why. Most days it is of how happy you would be, if you saw how much we all loved you, and how happy we are now. Your father, especially, misses you. Your whole family does. We were over at your place for Diwali this year, and azm broke a glass. Hah. Bet you would have laughed and rolled your eyes. Hehe. We love you, and hope that all is well with you. I'm sure they speak to you in their own way. Me.. I just blog and hope heaven has good wifi, cuz I'm not into burning stuff and all that.

Say hi to my Werwer, Tok and my brother for me, will you?

Till next time!

Love always,
Sarah.

She's a virgin. She's a slut.

There is a strange thing that is going on in this world.

This is not a conspiracy theory or soemthing to do with aliens (lest it will be OUT of this world. Heh) But it has to do with a certain double standard- the virgin/whore.

We are either virgins or sluts, aren't we?

It certainly feels like we've been handed a bad hand of cards.

Don't do it, you're pure and innocent, and even virtuous. Do it, and yóu instantly get sluttified. We know that's not true, but in the words of HH, "it is a reflex action", you just can't help thinking about it.

We all don't want to ruin our images of people we have. Face it, we have expectations of people, and perceptions we project onto them, though it may not necessarily be who they really are. Perception is reality, and if these people defy what we think of them, then that's it for them! We suddenly feel things like disgust, anger, disappointment, even.

They are not who we thought they were!

Of course, the whole virgin/ whore dichotomy is an absolute bullshit. Put in place to make us virtuous and you know what. You can be virtuous even if you sleep around... Or not!

It does not define who you are, and it shouldn't. You should never ever have to feel like you are trading something off, or doing something because you are pressured to.

The view I get largely from talking to people is that "no one will know if you don't say". True. But I'm wondering what if they do know? What if I do say? How would they view me? Would they be blasé about it? Or would they be repulsed?

Have sex, or don't! It doesn't matter. It doesn't make you "dirty" if you do, or  "frigid" if you don't.

I know I speak like a situation in which I am offered sex comes ona regular basis, but in reality it doesn't. And that is it. I am saying, be comfortable doing whatever it is you believe in, and don't let our bodies hold us back.

In this highly sexualised world, it's hard to believe if what we see in the movies is right or wrong.

But word of advice: Do it only if you think you should.

And let's all stop labelling other girls virgins/sluts.. Because there are is no such thing. It is all about your own beliefs (unless you sill believe in this, then shame on you!) and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Painting

I'm back from Bali, and it was quite a nice holiday. A little bit too short, I think. Though my time there has made me very very tanned.

I'm working on redecorating my room now, and I've decided to paint the walls a shade of blue-green.. hopefully that turns out well! It's a rather arduous task but I reckon I could be done in four days, and I'd be able to enjoy my "new" room by the weekend. 

I would like someone in my life, though time on my own has made me realize exactly that- I am on my own. Well meaning people would say "don't go searching for it", "the right one will come to you", "you can't keep asking for it" etc, but this is not true.

Today on tv there was an ad for the Phantom of the Opera musical. I was humming the tune (I usually sing it) absently when suddenly I remembered how I made Jaspreet laugh with my Mosquito Opera (it really wasn't that funny but she'd laugh anyway), and how we used to try to reach the high notes when we hummed the tune together. Gosh. Why am I tearing up again.

I still cannot believe that Jaspreet is gone. I cannot seem to let her go. I can't see how it would be possible for me to move on with my life, and I don't want to leave her behind. I don't want to.

It's different when you leave a relationship. It is easy to convince yourself the other person doesn't love you anymore, or vice versa. You know the other person will move forward eventually. But this. It hurts my heart and my head so much.

You are not your virginity

Once again, I was prompted to talk about this topic because I saw the urgent need to educate stupid, backward, vacant and self-righteous people on this issue. I am sorry that you are stupid, backward, vacant and self-righteous. It is not my fault.

A discussion with a friend today made me roll my eyes with disgust. This all started from his wanting of a wife who is a virgin. When prompted he was quick to give the analogy: "if someone has licked the lollipop, would you still want to eat it?" To which I got very agitated and riled up in a very 'what the rhymes-with-duck' sort of way. So I said, it really doesn't matter to me if my partner is one or not. It doesn't make you who you are. My friend then said: "But it's different, for girls it is ok!!"

I then pointed out that there was this double standard, and we can't define someone based on their virginity. My friend then asked how I would define someone.

"Through his character, his beliefs, and his actions."

Obviously, I am opening this up to all sort of challenges: If she's so righteous and virtuous and good then she wouldn't be having sex (before marriage) would she? If she believes in purity and holding out then surely she would do no such thing?

Then let me ask you: WHY is she holding out? Why does she have to feel that if she wants to be a good person, she has to be good and kind and all that ridiculous crap AND be a virgin too? Because God said so? Because you said so? Society said so? What?

You can be sure that people who still subscribe to this are the same people who bash homosexuals and the like.

I'm not advocating for you to go out there and have wild sex or whatever. I'm saying do what you want to do if it is right, and if you have made the best judgement that this act is something that you want to do. That is all.

Sarah, what if I want to go shoot a school full of school kids? Can I do that?

Sigh.

There really is no pleasing everyone, huh? Please don't take my arguments out of context. My point is this: if you want to have sex, have safe sex. If you don't want to have sex, don't. Because, get this into your skull: It doesn't matter. Unless you have unsafe sex or multiple partners or engage in dangerous and risky behavior, and you have sex because you have nothing else to do, and not because you see it as a biological need/ sacred act of love then you should come with a warning label.

This, of course, applies to people old enough, and of rational mind to decide what is best for themselves. You have to be old enough to decide what is best for you. I'm not saying we have to accept it because 'it is happening anyway'. I am saying accept it because it's time to stop looking at people (and especially time to stop making girls feel) like they are one dimensional caricatures and that their lives are based on ONE single act.

It's like, hating on someone because he likes to eat Oreos. Or because he is bald (unless he's Vin Diesel. No one hates on Vin Diesel anyway.).

If you are one of those guys who still believe this, and you want a virgin wife/ girlfriend (maybe so you can sacrifice her blood to the Gods of something something) for whatever reason, maybe it's time to look at your own values, and think instead, of what is important to you. What values would you like in a partner? Perhaps those are qualities that you should focus on, because it is that that would make your relationship meaningful and worthwhile. Seriously.

If you want someone kind hearted and loving, someone caring, look for that instead. These are qualities in a person that ate fundamental, rather than certain traits or features that really don't represent a person as a whole. Think about it. You're not marrying someone because he or she is a virgin (or because he is 1.7m tall, or because he has had a LASIK etc), you fall in love with someone perhaps because he is intellectual (if you like that kinda thing), charming, makes you laugh and so many other things that enrich your life.

If you are still unconvinced, then good luck to you and I can only hope that the sacrifice was worth it! (Let me know how it tastes yeah) Of course, you may hold a different view and you may see it from some other perspective, and that is fine. But I really urge you to think about why you perceive things a certain way, and if it was true, and you are hold firm to your beliefs then that is fine too. And you are stupid. Ok ok, I'm kidding.

Girls, boys, (including the over twenty fives ah) and all my chickies in between, please always know that you decide what is best for you. Be brave. Make decisions based on your values, and not because you have no choice, or you felt lonely etc. If you think about what is important to you, and why it is important, then it will always guide you. Do you see where I am going with this?

Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't a good person because you wear your hair a certain way, or because you're not a virgin (beware the person who tells you that.. He might want to sacrifice your blood to some pagan God. Sorry pagan gods!) or because you like Oreos or because you have long hair or because you paint your nails or because you don't use deodorant  (ok, then you should start,  please!) Or because you have a tattoo or don't shave your 'pits... ...

You are not your virginity/ hair/ what you eat. You are so much more than that. Believe and live your values. Your thoughts and actions make you who you are (and if sex is one of those many things you do then so be it!).

And lastly, girls, honestly, if he doesn't/ can't accept you for that one thing, then move on, honey. He won't ever understand nor accept you. Find someone else who does. And do enlighten him that he might be looking for the wrong "qualities" in a person. That's the very least you could do for him.

Till the next time...

Have a great day!

Updates

Dear Jaspreet (Jas-per-ree-too),

It has been almost four weeks since the day. Photos remain, your number is still in my phone. I saw Shao Jie the other day, at the bus stop opposite the library. I know, I know. I looked back at some of the things that Ching posted.. Some neoprints (gosh. I cringed) of us on Fb. You commented in January that we should take them again. I think that kind of did it for me, you know. 

I don't know what possessed me to start looking through photograph after photograph of you. You didn't know, did you? You couldn't have known. How could someone who wanted to do so much could have wanted to go so soon? 

I still don't understand. I don't understand how simply taking my work out to mark can trigger such a response. I have been tearing for the past hour now. Tearing is an understatement.

We all miss you so much. 

I know this because we do things like comment on your pictures and like them, and post on your wall and write blog posts dedicated to you (well, that's probably just me). We declare publicly how much we miss you (and sometimes say how much we will miss you, because you are still with us, and we do not miss you as yet). 

But more than anything, I know this because we do nothing. We stay silent and retreat into our little worlds where you are always with us, and where we can be with you and laugh and smile with you. Where we share our private thoughts with you, where we had private moments. Special moments that we do not wish to declare publicly, because we do not want to share them with anyone else. 

We still laughed about Dr Jia Jia. Surely that could not have been too long ago? These little time stamps help me remember, you know? 

Everything is jumbled up now. 

Azimah and I are going to watch Dirty Dancing on the opening night. Quite excited about that!

I'm keeping my hair long. I know I always say that.. This time I mean it. 

Ching is on holiday with Shin.. The pictures look great! Hehe. Azm, Ching and I are going on our own little trip in June to Bali. Unfortunately, my passport would have expired by then, so I had to make a new one. Hence, delaying the process of booking a flight. Well, at least we haven't missed the flight, ey.

Ok, this is all there is to update.. Ohyeah. Have not seen Faisal or Fat or Fux in a bit. But I am sure they are doing good. Firdaus' sister is getting married already. Unfortunately, we are not invited. Not even Azimah. I don't know why I said that. Heh. I guess that is all for now.

Love

Sarah

Grief in so many forms

I'm scrambling and trying to stay positive, but I miss you so much, dearest Jaspreet. I am afraid of moving forward and leaving you behind. I think about the people I used to hang around, and how I sometimes don't even think about them anymore. I don't want it to be like this with you.

I'm constantly moving forward (there really isn't much of a choice, and admittedly I have been making the most of it), and I'm focusing on my kids, and building up my strength and on meeting people I haven't seen in ages, and listening to their stories.. some of which you really must hear!

Ching and I miss you terribly. Azm too. I'm pretty sure Faisal misses you very much. It's like this great cloud hanging over us.

The other day at morning assembly the P announced that one of the students from the 11 batch passed away two weeks ago. He suffered a cardiac arrest, and he was a boy well loved by everyone (isn't that how everyone is remembered?). The P then read a message from his friends and family, Some of his friends were there, and it was heart-wrenching to see them; I couldn't look.

You could hear gentle sobs among the staff, and I saw through my own teary eyes that some students were shaken and teary.

I thought of you, and this must have been what happened at your school. Some kind of public eulogy weeks after you left.

It's 3am, and I am remembering the coldness of your cheek when I kissed you goodbye. I am seeing you lying in your coffin.

I miss you, I miss you so much.

Ching said she will definitely talk about you at her wedding. She will want to tell everyone about you. You know what?  I'm going to Photoshop you into some of my wedding photos ok? The same way I photoshopped Firdaus into our clique photo. Heheh. Ok, I admit, I was tearing up quite badly. But after the photoshop comment it felt so much better.

Love. 

This is mine.

Hi all.

I would like to thank everyone sincerely for all the love that you all have for my dearest Jaspreet. I really appreciate it, and yes, I know all I have been doing is thanking people but I really don't know how else to feel but grateful. Especially for my "rocks": Azimah, Ching, Faisal, Firdaus, Fu Xiang.. Gosh. I love you all so much.

Thank you Faisal for the beautiful eulogy on our behalf.

I would have liked to be the one speaking about her. I would have liked to be strong enough to say all those wonderful things about her. I would have liked to say how much I would miss her and talk about all the great things she did, but like what Jaspreet always says, "Sarah! You talk so much!" so I don't think the 5 minute thing would have worked for me.

How could I sum up what I know about Jaspreet and everything I loved about her in 5 minutes?

How can I even begin to describe her wonderful personality, her ability to make people smile, the way she left such an impact on peoples' lives, and the mazing person that she was in just five minutes? I want to talk about everything we did. I want to talk about everything she was to me.

I want to talk about Diwalis, and birthday parties and big events in which she was prominent.
But most strangely, I want to talk about everyday things. Mundane, every day things, like Council duties. We loved patrolling outside Dunman, pretending we were spies (Ok, so it was mostly me, but she humored me anyway). Things like skipping band (for AWHILE) to do above-mentioned Council duties, and things like sitting in the council room waiting for band.

Everyday things, like always walking to the bus stop near her old house, and waiting with me for my bus 293. Our conversations at the bus stops about how we were going to be, about what we were going to do. Strangely, we are what we said we would be. But we never talked about this, Jaspreet.

It's funny how things so small and insignificant, like matching sky blue Fila bags seem so important now.

I could go on forever. I really could.

Jaspreet was beautiful in a way that her heart was so big, she always made you feel like you were important. That you meant something. That, I think, is what made her so important to me. To be blessed with a friend like that.. Not everyone can say that they've had that, and yes, I'm bragging.

Oh gosh, there really is so much to say. I feel like I am going through a motion picture in my head right now. I'm trying to remember as many things as I can. The every day things are playing in my head again now. I am in TPJC and I am in the Art Room, and I see her outside the door. Just popping by.

I'm at NIE, and I catch her waiting for a taxi. We take the bus and train back.

In my head, in my memories, she is laughing. She is laughing at my stupid jokes. She is laughing with me. She is laughing as she says "Sarah!!!" in mock indignation.

I want her to sit with me. To walk with me. To do every day things. I still have her very first handphone number stored in my head. I want us to run to BK at 10.50am to try to catch breakfast. BK chicken sandwich.

I want her to "chase" unsuitable men from my life (although she insists it was only ONE person, whose name I shall not mention). I want to not listen to her.

Jaspreet, we have not opened that tuition centre. You have not flown us to India to make our bridesmaids dresses. We have not have that lunch that you said we would have after school. We haven't bought our Chanel bags. We have not done so much, Jaspreet. Your present is still with me. I don't quite know what to do with it. You cannot leave me to do this on my own. 

And everyone is saying let go, let her go. That she lives in my heart. That she's in my memories. That we need to let her go. Because she is in God's hands now, and that she is in a better place. But these cliches cannot help me understand or make sense of her leaving. I know what happened, I was there, but it still makes no sense.

What Faisal said today rings true: She has shared so many things with us, and one of them is a wonderful family. In fact, even in her passing, she has shared all her wonderful friends with me.

There are just so many things I will miss.

I will miss you so much. So very much, Jaspreet.

I love you, Jaspreet. 

Crying for nothing
Crying for no one
No one but you.

For you, Princess

The last thing I expected was this.

There is a deep pain in my heart that I cannot even begin to describe.

You left us too soon, Jaspreet. There are still so many things we have yet to do.

25 is too young.

Did you not hear me whisper in your ear last night that we need you, Jaspreet?

We need you.

I need you.

18/2/13
1007hrs

It's not going so well but it's better than I expected

There are many thoughts in my head tonight. It's almost two months since... Well. It's ok. It has been a good two months. God has been kind to me. I feel almost like I am starting to understand things again.

I don't like talking these days. This is all right. It always gets better. I have a new phone. It's really really brilliant. I'm using the Samsung Galaxy Note 2, and I can say now that this is the best thing I've spent my money on this year. It feels like old times with the LG Arena. Those were good times. I was in love, I was young, I was silly. It's a little bit different now.

I drew a picture today but it turned out awful because I hadn't practiced using water with the water soluble pencil. Silly. The picture attached shows it before I attempted to be "brave"...So much for bravery. At least I tried! Can't show the end results. Too awful.

Anyway. Here I am, sending a note to the God of the Internet. I mean like, God is everywhere right? go might as well write something here so I'd have proof that I've asked. * Deep breath *

Dear God,

I know I've asked for many things (and quite a few times, at that!) and yes, there is a 'but' coming (of course you already know this... you're God, for Your sake!) OK. First, let me get this clear: I am EXTREMELY grateful for everything and all the love you have shown me. Thank you for making My life liveable and wonderful.

But dear God, could you please please send someone RIGHT for me? The last one didn't work so I tried to "return to sender" but he didn't quite know where to go.

l dream a lot these days, God. I dream of things that I hope to have someday. l dream of not waking up. I dream of ghosts. I dream of things changing.

It is difficult to do small things with great love because it feels like this concept is escaping me. Please God, do not let me build these walls because I feel like I am becoming a little bit hollow.

That is all. Thanks in advance.

Actually, no.

Watching Iron Man on tv, and I get the whole thing about Robert Downey Jr being cool and all that, but eating my banana cake and watching him go about his antics, I felt myself getting more and more riled up.

Would this character work if it were a female? No wait, let me rephrase that. Would we like the female alternative of Iron Man?  No, no, no. That is not right. Would we accept a strong female character as readily? It's strange isn't it, that if someone like Tony Stark acts the way he acts, and talks the way he talks, he's just a cocky rich boy being himself, and it's endearing and acceptable. What if it were a female equivalent? Oh gosh, she'd he such a bitch, wouldn't she? Worse if she isn't busty or clad in something for you to look at.

I don't think I'm making a big fuss out of this. Come on, it's just a movie, you say. Yes, it is a movie, but I believe that if we stop questioning these double standards (and really start accepting them) then honestly, you're doing no one any favours. The world doesn't need more people perpetuating stereotypes. It certainly doesn't need people making women feel bad for being who they are (come on, stop letting them say it's PMS. Honestly, people have to accept that women DO get angry too).

For the most part, act the way you feel is worthy. Be kind, be grateful. Be angry when you are, but always remember:

Bad behavior is gender neutral, let's keep it that way. It is unacceptable for both men and women, and any other gender in between. Let us not say it's ok for one, and not the other.

Have a great day!  

The Fat Plan

I'm angry.

In fact, it irks me to realize what a hypocrite I've become. I've come to the sad and frustrating conclusion that Certain things will never be considered beautiful. Not in this decade anyway.

Let's be honest. Being a nerd will never be cool either. Sure, you can fall for the "geeky" type, but this "geek", too, I'd an idealized version of what a nerd should be.

I'm guessing that if he were truly a "nerd" (ironically, through my own stereotypical views, and experience with unpretentious technicians and the like), and came with his body odor, riddled with acne, scrawniness (or obesity, due to addiction to mayonnaise) and social awkwardness, you might not even prod him with a ten foot bamboo pole, let alone idealize this very real character. Sure, the braces and intelligence are quite uhm. Cute. But BO? Not so. And real nerds don't wear "geek specs", by the way.

Dove did well with its 'Campaign for real beauty'. Suddenly, plus sized models were enjoying the limelight, changing the look of modeling and what 'ideal' beauty was. It was like suddenly, we all felt happy to have wrinkles, freckles, simply skin, curvy bodies!

But something must have changed in the minds of people because eventually when the hype died down, suddenly we had Kim Kardashan went through a freaking bootcamp to prepare for her wedding, and 18 year old Charice went for Botox because her face was "too round". America's Next Top Model is going into it's which season again? Kudos to Tyra for trying, but it's not enough! It'll never be enough.

I suppose we weren't born this way. We work for our bodies, hoping to reach impossible ideals like celebrities, and people we see in magazines and posters. Gaga is an inspiration, but at times she becomes lost in her own world, and again, makes it impossible for us mere mortals to keep up with. I'm sure no one will find it amusing if I were to turn up for dinner in a steak dress.

I look at Kate Gosselin (from Jon and Kate plus 8) and see her transformation from 'plain Jane' (read as: one of us) to glamazon who eventually perhaps destroys her marriage (Jon is also responsible) and it saddens me that she had to up her game to keep up with the media. Let's take this moment to also remember Susan Boyle. Why? "Ugly" people don't have talent is it?

Why are we shocked when people who are not close to the ideal of beauty- ordinary people- display some sort of talent that supposedly only beautiful people should possess? Doesn't make sense does it?

Anyone who doesn't consider the ideal surely has a "fetish". And if they are celebrities and will therefore be impossible to see as 'role models', why then do we still consider them 'the standard'? Oh yes, it is also not enough to look like a celebrity. One should also have some kind of wonderful personality too!

Pfft. This is where I roll my eyes.

Somewhere along the way I must have lost myself in all this hype of being "beautiful". Truth is, we're all different, but in this day and age, we are still living in a freaking man's world. It makes me angry to say this, and angrier to feel like I have accepted it.

But I want to fight this. I have to.

I will first need to strengthen my mind and prepare my body. To change my mindset. Reframing thoughts here and there again.

Only when we have accepted change for ourself that we will be able to affect change in others, if ever. Let's keep our minds open, and work towards change. Let's open our hearts to what real beauty is, whatever it means to us. Let us be strong in our minds and not let anyone make us feel inadequate or unpretty (Yep. I just quoted TLC).

It is time.

Girl love

Before we start, I would like to state clearly that I am not gay.

I have nothing against gays, and I do not think that there is something inherently wrong with you if you are. But I must make this very clear before I go on to today's topic.

A spate of recent events have led me to think about this:
Is there such a thing as a platonic relationship between same genders?

I used to think that I would never ever be close to girls, especially since if you are close to someone, it may mean that they may end up liking you romantically. At least, that is what I thought happens between girls and boys. Also, girls are complicated! They are bitchy, they back-stab, they criticise... blah lah blah blahdeBLAH!

Unless you are one of those girls with traits that i mentioned above (well, if you are, BE GONE! you are not welcome here.. ), I don't see why there is a problem.

Simply put, if you are apprehensive about making friends with other girls because you are afraid of what they will do to you, then surely you can expect that the may be thinking the same of you! And everyone keeps away because they are afraid that they might get hurt.. But if you are generally afraid of getting close to people because you are scared that they might leave, it's another topic altogether. And I digress.

Why can't we say "I love you" to each other without feeling like we are freaks or we must be *gasp* lesbians!

So if I tell my mother I love her, does that make me a.. *gasp* incestuous lesbian?!

Sorry, Mom.

And what do we do when we are accused of being gay? We defend ourselves, we get angry, we question ourselves, we question others... should we stop being who we are because people might talk about us? Should we stop talking to each other? Would it be awkward? Is it too idealistic to think that people don't matter? Because people do matter. Perception is reality, and how someone views becomes who you are!

But we can't control perceptions. So what's a girl to do?

Already, I feel the pressure as a heterosexual being accused of homosexuality. No wonder so many people stay in the closet! If people aren't even allowed to be who they are (or are not), what kind of world are we creating for ourselves?

Then comes the question: What if you start to fall for each other? If you spend a lot of time with someone, you might end up having sexual/ romantic thoughts about him/ her right?

I love Peter the cat. I see him everyday, I talk to him, I cuddle him. Does that make me a practitioner of bestiality? Hell, no. Arguably that was a simplistic argument, but surely you know of friends whom you will never ever fall for, and it never ever crossed your mind to begin with, so why is this any different?

As a connoisseur of love (self proclaimed), I can assure you that there are so many forms of love around.

Let's all take a step back, and think about the ambiguous and arbitrary nature of words and their meanings.

Everything in context*, please!


* Also the title of my Final Year Project!

Instead of wasting precious time speculating about their relationships and whether or not they are gay, why not go out there and find your own best friend or activity partner (if you haven't already) and you will know what I'm talking about. and by then, you will be so busy having fun that you won't even have time to speculate.
So girls, stop hatin' on each other, if you are still one of those wary girls who have very few girl friends because you are afraid that they will "snatch your bf" (in other words, competition), in which case, I recommend letting those people go because they are not worth your time! Also I recommend working on some of your insecurity issues, though for myself it is a never ending battle but we have to keep fighting!

Don't even get me started on the Female Chauvanist Pigs! They aren't interested in girl friends, so if you know one, get the hell outta there!

Unless you have found a boy who enjoys getting manicures done, and who would love to listen to you talk about how ill you are, or enjoys discussing tampons and pads, then I am very sure that girls are your best bet! I am sure there are guys like who are genuinely interested in these things, and if you found them, great.

And oh yes, one more thing I dislike:
Bromance- The term reeks of homophobia! Because *gasp* boys can't be friends! Surely they are... gay! Yes, let's make them feel ashamed for feeling love for each other! What better way to describe a relationship between two guys than to make fun of it? Good job, Hollywood.

So stop all the accusations already. Get a life! And I mean that in the best possible sense. As in, get a life, and be happy!

Have a good day!

The Male-gaze and internal change.

In one of my earlier posts I mentioned the male-gaze. It is basically the idea in which we see the world through the eyes of men (even if we are women). To put it in much simpler terms: The reason why we do anything, is to appeal to the male view of how we should be. We think of things in terms of how a man might see it.

For example, since when did shaving legs become mandatory for a woman's attractiveness? I want you to think about a woman in a short skirt. And you look down at her legs, and suddenly you see hairy legs. Oh my god, so gross, right?

If you think about it, which part of shaving your legs benefits you? It is neither more hygienic to shave your legs, nor does it have any health benefits (in fact you spend time and money on shaving or waxing or whatever it is).

Same goes for armpits, and even your vagina. Bushy vags are a no-no.. Unless well, he has some kind of fetish. Fetish? C'mon now.

You'd think that we were all meant to be born hairless, and somehow God decided to play a cruel prank on womankind and decided that hey, let me put all this hair on women and see how quickly they can get it off!

If you are anything like me, and you're wondering, what to do next? Should I shave my legs because it'll just be conforming to the standards of what is beautiful?  Or should I go au naturel? Well. It's very much up to you, really. Just remember that no one can condemn you for the decisions you make, though I still very much recommend deodorant, hairless or no.

The beauty industry works like this. They play on your insecurities (I do admit, I am very much a victim as much as I try not to be) and somehow I notice it has mostly been targeted at women! No surprise, considering that we are the ones who have to change this, and buy this and that to look more attractive, to lose weight, to have a more toned body, to be more attractive... Yes yes.. But to whom?

Do you see where I am getting at?

Sure, I hear some of you protesting that you do "dress up for yourself", but while this might be true, there are still many others (myself included) who are quite unsure why we dress the way we do or behave the way we do.

Somewhere along the lines, it became a norm for women to appear super-sexual, but at the same time, get this: they are not supposed to be really sexual. Just appear so, to be attractive, but don't actually do anything because if you do, you're a whore!

Let's talk about clubbing attire, for example. While you hardly see guys turning up in speedos or something along those lines, there are the women in micro-mini dresses and pieces of cloth that are marketed as clubbing gear, and they feel wonderful in them, because they are full of confidence in themselves. These are the ones who are "fun-loving" and they are "hot". But are they they ones you'd want to marry, guys? While there may a few "why nots", I can be very certain that most views would be a "no frickin way".

Ok, so maybe I don't know how comfortable those costumes really are, but for the most part, there we are, parading ourselves, making fools of ourselves in our tiny attires. It does nothing to gain respect of any sort, and let alone bring you the happiness that you so crave for.

Let's move on to my next favourite exploitation: Make-up.

Make-up is nasty stuff. It clogs pores, feels nasty on skin, and mascara is a bitch to remove after a long day. Plus it smudges, and it makes my eyelids feel heavy. It is costly and yet, it is so important.

But I would be a hypocrite if I say I am unaffected by the whole beauty industry.

Everyday I still put on my make-up because I don't want to appear unattractive, or at least, less horrific to the rest of the world. Nowadays, it's also not enough to just look beautiful, we have to be beautiful INSIDE and out too.

We are expected to lead somewhat healthy lives and to have toned bodies and perfect boobs and perfect tummies and toned arms. And we are supposed to be all that AND be confident and ambitious and want to thrive and have dreams. To look like living barbie dolls, or at least, as close as we can get to supermodels.

Sheesh.

Unless, of course, you are a supermodel, then this isn't meant for you. I'll do up another post for you. But I digress.

Recently there was a pull-out feature in The New Paper on Sunday, a beauty guide on "how to lose weight and how to look 20 years younger". I was like, WHAT THE ****?!

Very obviously targeted at women, and I can imagine how many women would think that there is a problem with them that they never thought of before. Then, there is my 13 year old sister reading it, commenting that she should try some of the stuff.

How many of us want people who will just accept us for who we are?

But who are we exactly, hiding behind all this armor, disguised as "beauty", and not really revealing who we are because we never want to appear ugly and unattractive. So we choose the safer option: we shave our legs, dye our hair, put on make-up because quite frankly, it is still a men's world, and we'd have to play by their rules if we want to succeed.. right?

I suppose that would apply assuming you want to compete in that world.

But unless we do something about it, nothing will ever change. (I am not suggesting a riot okay! Calm down!)

For the most part, I've stopped reading beauty magazines. I do my hair however I like. Sometimes I go out without make-up. Sometimes I put on make-up. My legs are sometimes fuzzy. I run how much or how little I want to.

To use a cliché- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You do whatever you like, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. As long as you are most comfortable wearing whatever or dressing however then go ahead!

So what if you don't wear heels? So what if you wear false eyelashes everyday?  Just make sure it is for YOU and not because it might be how some guy/ the world/ other women might see you, okay?

It's time to stop living in someone else's eyes and re-define what we see beauty and strength as. One person at a time.

Till the next post, have a good day!

P.s. I know this post was very heterosexual female based, and lengthy. Thanks for reading!

The lesbian fantasy, blah blah.

So it seems that I am pretty hung up about this topic of feminism right now. And if I were still seeing this person from my past, he would probably say that this is "my current favourite topic.. and the only thing I ever talk about". Which probably won't be very far from the truth.

But this is the truth: Women have so much to live up to nowadays.

Not only do we have to want to be successful, and to look good while doing "womanly" things (or look "womanly" doing "non-womanly" things such as bodybuilding) we also have to be subjects of judgement from men, and other women too! Now, they have to "fake it" to be desirable to men? Oh, come on!

Previously I said that I will talk about the fantasy (and double standard mention in Jessica Valenti's book) about the lesbian fantasy, and how it is acceptable for guys to have a "fetish" for girl-on-girl action (only if both of them are hot, of course), but when it comes to gays, it's all CRINGE and GROSS.

I am going to try to start this with what I think is the reason for this. One word: Porn.

Or, pornography, if you prefer.
Pornography has made it okay, and arguably acceptable for them to have all these strange fantasies (though you could argue that it is a fantasy) but the part that irks, and bothers me is the representation of women, and of true lesbians.

I am not saying that these porn stars aren't true lesbians (they might be!). But this very act of hamming it up for the camera creates a rather saddening and dangerous trend that affects all other women too.

Recently, I was taken slightly back when one of the guys I used to go out with told me that he saw two girls kissing on the train, and he found it "hot". In my head the first thing I thought of was: What if it was two guys kissing? Would it still be hot?

The answer would, sadly, most likely be no.

And thankfully, I am no longer associated with that guy too, but I digress.
While hot lesbians (who look like heterosexual females putting on a show)are OK, gay guys, no matter how hot, are not. Think Broke back mountain jokes, and all other gay-centric jokes.

The worse thing is, I know more than one person with a hot lesbian fantasy. These guys assume that these lesbians would want to 'get it on' with them too. And they would like to be part of the action. (Yes, they imagine themselves in bed with lesbians..)

But what they probably don't realise is that, the real life lesbians are probably not a lot like those they imagine(I heard there is a terms for these type of "hot lesbians" called lipstick lesbians.. I'll get to that in a bit).

I hate to be the one to break it to you, guys, but if they're lesbians, what makes you think they'll be interested in having any sort of action with you in the first place? Did it not occur to you that they are lesbians?

I mentioned 'lipstick lesbians' earlier, and this is from wikipedia (I know I know, but it makes my point):

"...Lipstick lesbian is a slang term used to describe lesbian and bisexual women who exhibit feminine gender attributes, such as wearing make-up (thus, lipstick), wearing dresses or skirts and perhaps having other characteristics associated with feminine women.

In mainstream American films, lesbians are often portrayed according to the lipstick lesbian stereotype to be more sexually attractive to male viewers... Most female same-sex sex scenes in mainstream pornography are also portrayed in this way."

Wait wait.. Let's see that again:

"In mainstream American films, lesbians are often portrayed according to the lipstick lesbian stereotype to be more sexually attractive to male viewers"

What what.. WHAT? Making lesbians more sexually attractive to male viewers? What is up with that? And the whole point being what? That lesbians are females too, and therefore all things female, or at least, all things with vaginas belong to men?

Come on guys, you'd know better than that (I hope).

When we are not seeing straight, and when the world is viewed through the male-gaze (even if you are a woman), there really is something wrong.

I do get upset when women have to resort to being over-sexual, or desperately try to play out to every fantasy a guy might have.

So I say, if you are one of those with a "HLB" (hot lesbian fantasy), yet at the same time, cringe when you are see butches (yes! They exist! And they are REAL!) and other types of lesbians (unlike those in pornos and TV and in your fantasies), then please wake up.

Perhaps we all want to feel wanted, even by those who, in reality, do not desire us, thus we keep them in a certain light, and play up these fantasies to keep women in their place.. (to always want to be desirable to men).

There is so much more to talk about but then, if I did, I might never end!

So if you know someone who displays the double standard (lesbians ok/ gays nay) and you are sick of it, let them know! It is ok to be annoyed.. I very much am!

And if you are one of those with the fantasy, then maybe you should be more aware of the realities, and that porno is not real life. I know you know that. But I'm just saying.

Everyone is entitled to their fantasies, of course, I just won't let it go if this fantasy is unjust towards your treatment or view of either gender.

This is not a post about lesbianism, as that topic itself is so broad and there are so many aspects to be covered.. If I ever do. I do hope your view of the lesbian fantasy is a bit less hazy now, and that you do know that it is an image conjured by men for other men, with women's sexuality as a tool.

I will talk about the male-gaze and how it has affected me, personally, in my next post.

Till then, have a good day!

Gender issues

Before I begin, let me make it clear that I am not angry, and I am in fact, rather calm as I write this.

I am reading 'He's a stud, She's a slut and 49 other double standards that every woman should know' by Jessica Valenti and I think it is a very enlightening and wonderful book that illustrates a lot of the double standards that exist in society today (yes! They do exist!)
Some of these includes issues close to my heart, such as how men are allowed to do certain things, and behave in certain ways (any way they so please, actually, AND get away with it) while women have to contend with being labelled negatively or even judged.

I do think that a lot of gender stereotypes and sexism still exist, and they are more prevalent than you can realise. As such, I'd like to address some of them here
I'll look at two issues today, the first being:

Men are allowed to be alone , but if a woman does it, she's pathetic, or lonely.

Why is it that men are allowed to eat alone, and live alone and do things alone and no one will bat an eyelid. In fact, when a man does it, he's independent. Women, on the other hand, if doing anything alone, are perceived as 'strange' or 'loners', and if eating alone, is often seen as 'sad', and felt sorry for.

Sounds silly, doesn't it?

So make it stop! If you see someone, man OR woman eating, walking etc alone, just leave them alone! They might be enjoying a peaceful moment on their own, and your pity/ sympathy is not necessary. So carry on with your life, they will be fine and they probably are fine.

Now consider this:

Men get angry, but women have PMS.

You may chuckle at the thought, but is truer than you think (for me, at least). The only funny thing here is how when guys get angry it is serious. But when women get angry, it is assumed that it is alright to laugh it off, and all is ok.

All is NOT ok.

I have had guys tell me: "You look so cute when you are angry".. I didn't know it then, but now that I see it is indeed a form of sexism, because it is not respecting my right to be angry and to express my anger. And by doing so, I am not being taken seriously and it is disrespectful towards me.
How many times have I heard other girls trying to convince me (and themselves) that what they experience as anger is just PMS, or frustrations, which are nothing. Hello, since when was it ever wrong to be angry?

Don't give me the bullshit that women get angry more often than men. Or that they are more prone to anger, therefore their tempers should not be taken as seriously. I'm not talking about vapid airheads who throw tantrums and make unreasonable demands (BOTH girls and guys), but people like you and me.

I am not saying these feelings won't pass.. Of course they will. But I do not see why we have to apologise for emotions that both genders are entitled to!

So, I say we start to accept that it is our right to be angry whenever we want (with good reason, of course, and unless it really is PMS.). Do not feel apologetic or guilty for being angry (eg. 'it is against my nature..') If anyone tries to tell us that we are having PMS or that our anger is "dramatic" or silly, call them out on their bullshit.

To all those guys whom thought my genuine anger was cute, I regret not saying this before but this: f**k you and your sexist attitude!

I know some of you are going what's the big deal Sarah, are you having PMS? Why are you so angry, did someone do something to you?

If you are one of those, then you are completely missing the point, and all I can say is that I really do hope you don't have a cock, because otherwise, I'd tell you to take your sexist attitude and shove it up your ass (unless you enjoy that kinda thing, then I'd suggest something else).

Don't even get me started on guys and lesbian fantasies.

You know what, I will get started on that.. In my next post!

Thanks for reading.