Holiday time!

Dear all,

The holidays are upon us once again. And this holiday, I am looking forward to start.... ballet lessons!

It's been awhile since I've tried something new, and I'm looking forward to finally being able to fulfill one of my childhood dreams. I shall update you on. My progress and trials as an adult learner. I don't have much background in dance, and I'm not as flexible as I used to be.

I took recreational contemporary dance for about a year and a half till my teacher went back to Australia, and the studio didn't seem to care very much for me so I left. It was quite a pity because I was beginning to see progress and I enjoyed myself quite a bit.

So here's to a new beginning! My bf and I have begun trying to get fit again, to get into a workout routine and have some training sessions together so we will be prepared to climb the mountain in December. Yep! I'll keep you posted on that too.

An exciting few months to test my physical endurance... Time to rest though. So very tired after the lovely fish n co. dinner earlier.....

Have a good workout week!

Love,
Sarah

May 2014

Hi all,

There is so much work that is waiting for me right now.. Unmarked essays which I find that I have very little motivation to do, setting a mid-year paper that I am really not looking forward to.. And planning lessons for next week.. Three more weeks till the exams, and it's just really crazy. Of course, crazy is relative. It's probably not as crazy as some of your lives.. and I guess I have nothing much to complain about.

Yesterday marked the end of the Dance madness. The concert was a success. I have no regrets, though I really hope that I handled the crowd well enough. I cannot imagine having to face angry guests and having people be mad at you for a long time. Last night's events really affected me emotionally. Never have I had to face people waving tickets in my face and practically shouting in my face (yes, people can be rude.. But I understand how they must feel). But handled it alright nonetheless. Yay me!

Helping the students paint their faces the whole day, talking to some of them, comforting, easing their worries.. All in a day's work. And at the end of the day, I didn't do that much at all! Haha! But it was good.

As I cross over into my late twenties (wow, such a biggie.. I know right), I feel rather ambivalent. Yet, I cannot deny the excitement that I feel for this new chapter.

Recovering (slowly) from an inflamed throat, I am building things from bottom up again. My confidence, my ability. I am trying new things with my art, but I feel maybe it is best not to show people what I am doing. Critics abound, and not everyone has something pleasant to say. I suppose that is part of the process, and while I know I am not doing things to please people, I have not learnt to deal with the sting that comes from someone hating or making harsh comments on my work. Some day, perhaps. My boyfriend has been most supportive of me, and I appreciate it so much.

I did not think I would pass two birthdays without Jaspreet. Ok.. getting teary eyed and choked up right now. I miss her terribly, and I know this will pass. Practical people would say that she is happy and that I should be happy for her and all that... But it doesn't stop me from missing her.

On to happier things. I am going to see Grease tonight!! I remember in secondary school (gosh. It's been ten years) hoping and praying that there would be a Grease musical in Singapore and that I would surely go see it... and now. Wow. Thank you God.

There is a lot more I would like to do and talk about. But that would be for another day.

Late 20s. Here I come. :)

OK I AM REALLY SAD LA. TRUTH. But haiya trying to be positive about it okay.  I worry about lots of things: i.e. I am turning 26.. What have I done with my life? Where will I be? And all other things and worries that a 26 year old might have. Actually I don't know what worries a 26 year old has. It should vary, I think. I want to settle my mind.

I like routine. I like the everydayness of things. I can't wait to fall back into a routine. I like to be the one doing nice things that impress people. I like impressing people. I like order. I like rules. I like people to say "Good job, Sarah". But at the same time, I like to create new things.

It is really the small everydayness that makes me glad. A 20 min sketch. Looking out of the bus window in my journey home. Thinking about Petechang. I am not difficult to impress. Ok, granted I may be difficult to impress in certain areas (i.e. knowledge of cats and cat behavior. The only other persons whom I will admit to are better than me are a) Dr Bruce Fogle and b) Jackson Galaxy. Are you Jackson Galaxy? No? Then STFU. Can a 26 year old say STFU? I guess so.) but for the most part I am very happy with most things. Although my boyfriend may say a different thing, I assure you that he will also say he deeply loves me because I have this.. Gratitude for life.

I know everything will fall into place. I will continue to have love and faith. TWENTY SIX. Here I come. Everything is going to be all right. Hang on.. I meant to say that EVERYTHING WILL BE AWESOME!

And I have used the world 'everydayness' quite a bit. How odd.

Have a blessed day. Will let you know how 26 is for me!

Love,
S.

December is here.

Dear Jaspreet, 
 
Just an update of stuff. This blog has seemed to become a place to collect mush and virtual dust. Hehe. There have been so many things going on in the real world, and with the holidays here, I'm busier than ever being out there enjoying my life.

Life with my nugget is wonderful, and he has set me up for a some fake proposals, all very well done to throw me off guard! Hahaha. But it is all well, because he knows, and I know, that there really isn't anyone else I'd want to be with.

He is my once in a lifetime, and this is something that I would hold on to, and cherish. He brings out the better half of me, and loves even the parts that I hate. He listens when I can't speak, and talks to me when I need to listen. It may be early to say, but I knew, even before this, that he was to be someone I'd have a great affinity with (cheesy as it sounds). 

I wear our rings (yes. I am actually finally doing couply things. You can laugh now. But please don't laugh so loud. Thanks.) because I have never been more sure of anyone. Yes. I did just say that. Don't laugh. Hehe.

This holiday, I baked an ombre cake, I made Earl grey tea cakes, I've gotten the ring that I wanted, I help my dad with the business, I've been showered with love from family and our friends (and of course the above mentioned sweetheart) and really. It has been amazing.

Of course, I miss you a lot, Jaspreet. I really wish you were here to be happy with us, and to share and bask in the happiness of the season.  Of everything,  actually. I was talking to Ching today, and she mentioned that I get sad when I talk about death, though for her, goodbyes are more difficult. It would be very safe to say that we both miss you a lot.

To me, death has been a goodbye to you. It has taken you away, and though sometimes I speak to you in my heart, I'm not sure if you can hear it, you know? It is, perhaps, the mind's way of putting myself to sleep at night; you can hear me, you are listening. But it doesn't feel the same. But it is difficult for me because I can't tell you and be sure you've heard it.  There aren't the two ticks like on whatsapp to tell me that my message has been delivered. It just feels incomplete at times. Yet, at others, there is no doubt the universe has sent the message, and you have received it with thanks.

Sometimes, among the living, we leave things unsaid, thinking that the other party will know and understand. Or maybe we feel that these words and feelings are best concealed in the heart, where whatever love and emotion you feel does not have to be expressed. It becomes a private little show, a private thought, something you hold on to when you feel like you are losing it, or it could even comfort you, knowing that you still have feelings, and that something still beats within you.

Jaspreet, I have tried to be the one to light up their lives. I have tried, but it is too immense a task to take upon myself, and this I see and understand now. I can't be the second in command.  No one expects me to, and I thank them for it.

B has helped (and is still helping) me while the others were finding strength and ways to deal with their pain and loss. I must say, they are amazing people and I love them immensely. We each have our own way, and it is good that we can be with each other as well.

For me, B has taken me out of the darkness, especially the times where I was drowning in so much sadness and pain that I could not control, and that I could not understand. But this is not why I love him.

I love him because he is a man of character, just like what I've always imagined my other half to be. Because he is kind, and he is love. Because he chose love, and because he is a wonderful man. A man. Real man okay. Not fake fake japalang one ok.

I try to spend a bit of every day thinking about you. Why only try? Because some days I don't have to try, that's why. Most days it is of how happy you would be, if you saw how much we all loved you, and how happy we are now. Your father, especially, misses you. Your whole family does. We were over at your place for Diwali this year, and azm broke a glass. Hah. Bet you would have laughed and rolled your eyes. Hehe. We love you, and hope that all is well with you. I'm sure they speak to you in their own way. Me.. I just blog and hope heaven has good wifi, cuz I'm not into burning stuff and all that.

Say hi to my Werwer, Tok and my brother for me, will you?

Till next time!

Love always,
Sarah.

It's killing me thinking about you

So I get out there, buy me a new sketchbook, and I am going to fill it with beautiful things. Or every day things, even.

I have been hearing this a lot the past few days:

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.

To add on to that, it is true, what someone said today. Beauty to you is the values that those people hold. If you value humor, then someone who is funny will be beautiful to you.

This really explains how beauty is in the eye of the beholder doesn't it? Best of all, it's not so literal and I suppose I could say that I now understand what it truly means?

I'm going to look for the beauty in everything.

More than ever, I have to L.O.V.E (or lmve, rather. Live My Values Everyday) and love I will. In every sense of the word. Someone who can love is always beautiful.

I trust that you will have a wonderful day.

Dancing

So recently I have been learning how to dance properly (it would be my third lesson this week), and so I am feeling quite happy and I shall be documenting my progress as time goes by. The instructor, whose name is also Sarah, is teaching us  few steps at a time, and this is as far as it goes at this point of time. 

I did a bit of chinese dance when I was younger, and recently I've also tried Zumba. It is a fantastic, fast paced dance, though I feel I would like something more controlled. Hence, I am trying contemporary dance, and I am enjoying myself so far. I bought a Groupon, HAHA. 

That's all from me for now. 

Till the next time!

Much love.

Updates

Dear Jaspreet (Jas-per-ree-too),

It has been almost four weeks since the day. Photos remain, your number is still in my phone. I saw Shao Jie the other day, at the bus stop opposite the library. I know, I know. I looked back at some of the things that Ching posted.. Some neoprints (gosh. I cringed) of us on Fb. You commented in January that we should take them again. I think that kind of did it for me, you know. 

I don't know what possessed me to start looking through photograph after photograph of you. You didn't know, did you? You couldn't have known. How could someone who wanted to do so much could have wanted to go so soon? 

I still don't understand. I don't understand how simply taking my work out to mark can trigger such a response. I have been tearing for the past hour now. Tearing is an understatement.

We all miss you so much. 

I know this because we do things like comment on your pictures and like them, and post on your wall and write blog posts dedicated to you (well, that's probably just me). We declare publicly how much we miss you (and sometimes say how much we will miss you, because you are still with us, and we do not miss you as yet). 

But more than anything, I know this because we do nothing. We stay silent and retreat into our little worlds where you are always with us, and where we can be with you and laugh and smile with you. Where we share our private thoughts with you, where we had private moments. Special moments that we do not wish to declare publicly, because we do not want to share them with anyone else. 

We still laughed about Dr Jia Jia. Surely that could not have been too long ago? These little time stamps help me remember, you know? 

Everything is jumbled up now. 

Azimah and I are going to watch Dirty Dancing on the opening night. Quite excited about that!

I'm keeping my hair long. I know I always say that.. This time I mean it. 

Ching is on holiday with Shin.. The pictures look great! Hehe. Azm, Ching and I are going on our own little trip in June to Bali. Unfortunately, my passport would have expired by then, so I had to make a new one. Hence, delaying the process of booking a flight. Well, at least we haven't missed the flight, ey.

Ok, this is all there is to update.. Ohyeah. Have not seen Faisal or Fat or Fux in a bit. But I am sure they are doing good. Firdaus' sister is getting married already. Unfortunately, we are not invited. Not even Azimah. I don't know why I said that. Heh. I guess that is all for now.

Love

Sarah

This is mine.

Hi all.

I would like to thank everyone sincerely for all the love that you all have for my dearest Jaspreet. I really appreciate it, and yes, I know all I have been doing is thanking people but I really don't know how else to feel but grateful. Especially for my "rocks": Azimah, Ching, Faisal, Firdaus, Fu Xiang.. Gosh. I love you all so much.

Thank you Faisal for the beautiful eulogy on our behalf.

I would have liked to be the one speaking about her. I would have liked to be strong enough to say all those wonderful things about her. I would have liked to say how much I would miss her and talk about all the great things she did, but like what Jaspreet always says, "Sarah! You talk so much!" so I don't think the 5 minute thing would have worked for me.

How could I sum up what I know about Jaspreet and everything I loved about her in 5 minutes?

How can I even begin to describe her wonderful personality, her ability to make people smile, the way she left such an impact on peoples' lives, and the mazing person that she was in just five minutes? I want to talk about everything we did. I want to talk about everything she was to me.

I want to talk about Diwalis, and birthday parties and big events in which she was prominent.
But most strangely, I want to talk about everyday things. Mundane, every day things, like Council duties. We loved patrolling outside Dunman, pretending we were spies (Ok, so it was mostly me, but she humored me anyway). Things like skipping band (for AWHILE) to do above-mentioned Council duties, and things like sitting in the council room waiting for band.

Everyday things, like always walking to the bus stop near her old house, and waiting with me for my bus 293. Our conversations at the bus stops about how we were going to be, about what we were going to do. Strangely, we are what we said we would be. But we never talked about this, Jaspreet.

It's funny how things so small and insignificant, like matching sky blue Fila bags seem so important now.

I could go on forever. I really could.

Jaspreet was beautiful in a way that her heart was so big, she always made you feel like you were important. That you meant something. That, I think, is what made her so important to me. To be blessed with a friend like that.. Not everyone can say that they've had that, and yes, I'm bragging.

Oh gosh, there really is so much to say. I feel like I am going through a motion picture in my head right now. I'm trying to remember as many things as I can. The every day things are playing in my head again now. I am in TPJC and I am in the Art Room, and I see her outside the door. Just popping by.

I'm at NIE, and I catch her waiting for a taxi. We take the bus and train back.

In my head, in my memories, she is laughing. She is laughing at my stupid jokes. She is laughing with me. She is laughing as she says "Sarah!!!" in mock indignation.

I want her to sit with me. To walk with me. To do every day things. I still have her very first handphone number stored in my head. I want us to run to BK at 10.50am to try to catch breakfast. BK chicken sandwich.

I want her to "chase" unsuitable men from my life (although she insists it was only ONE person, whose name I shall not mention). I want to not listen to her.

Jaspreet, we have not opened that tuition centre. You have not flown us to India to make our bridesmaids dresses. We have not have that lunch that you said we would have after school. We haven't bought our Chanel bags. We have not done so much, Jaspreet. Your present is still with me. I don't quite know what to do with it. You cannot leave me to do this on my own. 

And everyone is saying let go, let her go. That she lives in my heart. That she's in my memories. That we need to let her go. Because she is in God's hands now, and that she is in a better place. But these cliches cannot help me understand or make sense of her leaving. I know what happened, I was there, but it still makes no sense.

What Faisal said today rings true: She has shared so many things with us, and one of them is a wonderful family. In fact, even in her passing, she has shared all her wonderful friends with me.

There are just so many things I will miss.

I will miss you so much. So very much, Jaspreet.

I love you, Jaspreet. 

Crying for nothing
Crying for no one
No one but you.

The Fat Plan

I'm angry.

In fact, it irks me to realize what a hypocrite I've become. I've come to the sad and frustrating conclusion that Certain things will never be considered beautiful. Not in this decade anyway.

Let's be honest. Being a nerd will never be cool either. Sure, you can fall for the "geeky" type, but this "geek", too, I'd an idealized version of what a nerd should be.

I'm guessing that if he were truly a "nerd" (ironically, through my own stereotypical views, and experience with unpretentious technicians and the like), and came with his body odor, riddled with acne, scrawniness (or obesity, due to addiction to mayonnaise) and social awkwardness, you might not even prod him with a ten foot bamboo pole, let alone idealize this very real character. Sure, the braces and intelligence are quite uhm. Cute. But BO? Not so. And real nerds don't wear "geek specs", by the way.

Dove did well with its 'Campaign for real beauty'. Suddenly, plus sized models were enjoying the limelight, changing the look of modeling and what 'ideal' beauty was. It was like suddenly, we all felt happy to have wrinkles, freckles, simply skin, curvy bodies!

But something must have changed in the minds of people because eventually when the hype died down, suddenly we had Kim Kardashan went through a freaking bootcamp to prepare for her wedding, and 18 year old Charice went for Botox because her face was "too round". America's Next Top Model is going into it's which season again? Kudos to Tyra for trying, but it's not enough! It'll never be enough.

I suppose we weren't born this way. We work for our bodies, hoping to reach impossible ideals like celebrities, and people we see in magazines and posters. Gaga is an inspiration, but at times she becomes lost in her own world, and again, makes it impossible for us mere mortals to keep up with. I'm sure no one will find it amusing if I were to turn up for dinner in a steak dress.

I look at Kate Gosselin (from Jon and Kate plus 8) and see her transformation from 'plain Jane' (read as: one of us) to glamazon who eventually perhaps destroys her marriage (Jon is also responsible) and it saddens me that she had to up her game to keep up with the media. Let's take this moment to also remember Susan Boyle. Why? "Ugly" people don't have talent is it?

Why are we shocked when people who are not close to the ideal of beauty- ordinary people- display some sort of talent that supposedly only beautiful people should possess? Doesn't make sense does it?

Anyone who doesn't consider the ideal surely has a "fetish". And if they are celebrities and will therefore be impossible to see as 'role models', why then do we still consider them 'the standard'? Oh yes, it is also not enough to look like a celebrity. One should also have some kind of wonderful personality too!

Pfft. This is where I roll my eyes.

Somewhere along the way I must have lost myself in all this hype of being "beautiful". Truth is, we're all different, but in this day and age, we are still living in a freaking man's world. It makes me angry to say this, and angrier to feel like I have accepted it.

But I want to fight this. I have to.

I will first need to strengthen my mind and prepare my body. To change my mindset. Reframing thoughts here and there again.

Only when we have accepted change for ourself that we will be able to affect change in others, if ever. Let's keep our minds open, and work towards change. Let's open our hearts to what real beauty is, whatever it means to us. Let us be strong in our minds and not let anyone make us feel inadequate or unpretty (Yep. I just quoted TLC).

It is time.