You are not your virginity

Once again, I was prompted to talk about this topic because I saw the urgent need to educate stupid, backward, vacant and self-righteous people on this issue. I am sorry that you are stupid, backward, vacant and self-righteous. It is not my fault.

A discussion with a friend today made me roll my eyes with disgust. This all started from his wanting of a wife who is a virgin. When prompted he was quick to give the analogy: "if someone has licked the lollipop, would you still want to eat it?" To which I got very agitated and riled up in a very 'what the rhymes-with-duck' sort of way. So I said, it really doesn't matter to me if my partner is one or not. It doesn't make you who you are. My friend then said: "But it's different, for girls it is ok!!"

I then pointed out that there was this double standard, and we can't define someone based on their virginity. My friend then asked how I would define someone.

"Through his character, his beliefs, and his actions."

Obviously, I am opening this up to all sort of challenges: If she's so righteous and virtuous and good then she wouldn't be having sex (before marriage) would she? If she believes in purity and holding out then surely she would do no such thing?

Then let me ask you: WHY is she holding out? Why does she have to feel that if she wants to be a good person, she has to be good and kind and all that ridiculous crap AND be a virgin too? Because God said so? Because you said so? Society said so? What?

You can be sure that people who still subscribe to this are the same people who bash homosexuals and the like.

I'm not advocating for you to go out there and have wild sex or whatever. I'm saying do what you want to do if it is right, and if you have made the best judgement that this act is something that you want to do. That is all.

Sarah, what if I want to go shoot a school full of school kids? Can I do that?

Sigh.

There really is no pleasing everyone, huh? Please don't take my arguments out of context. My point is this: if you want to have sex, have safe sex. If you don't want to have sex, don't. Because, get this into your skull: It doesn't matter. Unless you have unsafe sex or multiple partners or engage in dangerous and risky behavior, and you have sex because you have nothing else to do, and not because you see it as a biological need/ sacred act of love then you should come with a warning label.

This, of course, applies to people old enough, and of rational mind to decide what is best for themselves. You have to be old enough to decide what is best for you. I'm not saying we have to accept it because 'it is happening anyway'. I am saying accept it because it's time to stop looking at people (and especially time to stop making girls feel) like they are one dimensional caricatures and that their lives are based on ONE single act.

It's like, hating on someone because he likes to eat Oreos. Or because he is bald (unless he's Vin Diesel. No one hates on Vin Diesel anyway.).

If you are one of those guys who still believe this, and you want a virgin wife/ girlfriend (maybe so you can sacrifice her blood to the Gods of something something) for whatever reason, maybe it's time to look at your own values, and think instead, of what is important to you. What values would you like in a partner? Perhaps those are qualities that you should focus on, because it is that that would make your relationship meaningful and worthwhile. Seriously.

If you want someone kind hearted and loving, someone caring, look for that instead. These are qualities in a person that ate fundamental, rather than certain traits or features that really don't represent a person as a whole. Think about it. You're not marrying someone because he or she is a virgin (or because he is 1.7m tall, or because he has had a LASIK etc), you fall in love with someone perhaps because he is intellectual (if you like that kinda thing), charming, makes you laugh and so many other things that enrich your life.

If you are still unconvinced, then good luck to you and I can only hope that the sacrifice was worth it! (Let me know how it tastes yeah) Of course, you may hold a different view and you may see it from some other perspective, and that is fine. But I really urge you to think about why you perceive things a certain way, and if it was true, and you are hold firm to your beliefs then that is fine too. And you are stupid. Ok ok, I'm kidding.

Girls, boys, (including the over twenty fives ah) and all my chickies in between, please always know that you decide what is best for you. Be brave. Make decisions based on your values, and not because you have no choice, or you felt lonely etc. If you think about what is important to you, and why it is important, then it will always guide you. Do you see where I am going with this?

Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't a good person because you wear your hair a certain way, or because you're not a virgin (beware the person who tells you that.. He might want to sacrifice your blood to some pagan God. Sorry pagan gods!) or because you like Oreos or because you have long hair or because you paint your nails or because you don't use deodorant  (ok, then you should start,  please!) Or because you have a tattoo or don't shave your 'pits... ...

You are not your virginity/ hair/ what you eat. You are so much more than that. Believe and live your values. Your thoughts and actions make you who you are (and if sex is one of those many things you do then so be it!).

And lastly, girls, honestly, if he doesn't/ can't accept you for that one thing, then move on, honey. He won't ever understand nor accept you. Find someone else who does. And do enlighten him that he might be looking for the wrong "qualities" in a person. That's the very least you could do for him.

Till the next time...

Have a great day!

Dancing

So recently I have been learning how to dance properly (it would be my third lesson this week), and so I am feeling quite happy and I shall be documenting my progress as time goes by. The instructor, whose name is also Sarah, is teaching us  few steps at a time, and this is as far as it goes at this point of time. 

I did a bit of chinese dance when I was younger, and recently I've also tried Zumba. It is a fantastic, fast paced dance, though I feel I would like something more controlled. Hence, I am trying contemporary dance, and I am enjoying myself so far. I bought a Groupon, HAHA. 

That's all from me for now. 

Till the next time!

Much love.

Updates

Dear Jaspreet (Jas-per-ree-too),

It has been almost four weeks since the day. Photos remain, your number is still in my phone. I saw Shao Jie the other day, at the bus stop opposite the library. I know, I know. I looked back at some of the things that Ching posted.. Some neoprints (gosh. I cringed) of us on Fb. You commented in January that we should take them again. I think that kind of did it for me, you know. 

I don't know what possessed me to start looking through photograph after photograph of you. You didn't know, did you? You couldn't have known. How could someone who wanted to do so much could have wanted to go so soon? 

I still don't understand. I don't understand how simply taking my work out to mark can trigger such a response. I have been tearing for the past hour now. Tearing is an understatement.

We all miss you so much. 

I know this because we do things like comment on your pictures and like them, and post on your wall and write blog posts dedicated to you (well, that's probably just me). We declare publicly how much we miss you (and sometimes say how much we will miss you, because you are still with us, and we do not miss you as yet). 

But more than anything, I know this because we do nothing. We stay silent and retreat into our little worlds where you are always with us, and where we can be with you and laugh and smile with you. Where we share our private thoughts with you, where we had private moments. Special moments that we do not wish to declare publicly, because we do not want to share them with anyone else. 

We still laughed about Dr Jia Jia. Surely that could not have been too long ago? These little time stamps help me remember, you know? 

Everything is jumbled up now. 

Azimah and I are going to watch Dirty Dancing on the opening night. Quite excited about that!

I'm keeping my hair long. I know I always say that.. This time I mean it. 

Ching is on holiday with Shin.. The pictures look great! Hehe. Azm, Ching and I are going on our own little trip in June to Bali. Unfortunately, my passport would have expired by then, so I had to make a new one. Hence, delaying the process of booking a flight. Well, at least we haven't missed the flight, ey.

Ok, this is all there is to update.. Ohyeah. Have not seen Faisal or Fat or Fux in a bit. But I am sure they are doing good. Firdaus' sister is getting married already. Unfortunately, we are not invited. Not even Azimah. I don't know why I said that. Heh. I guess that is all for now.

Love

Sarah

Grief in so many forms

I'm scrambling and trying to stay positive, but I miss you so much, dearest Jaspreet. I am afraid of moving forward and leaving you behind. I think about the people I used to hang around, and how I sometimes don't even think about them anymore. I don't want it to be like this with you.

I'm constantly moving forward (there really isn't much of a choice, and admittedly I have been making the most of it), and I'm focusing on my kids, and building up my strength and on meeting people I haven't seen in ages, and listening to their stories.. some of which you really must hear!

Ching and I miss you terribly. Azm too. I'm pretty sure Faisal misses you very much. It's like this great cloud hanging over us.

The other day at morning assembly the P announced that one of the students from the 11 batch passed away two weeks ago. He suffered a cardiac arrest, and he was a boy well loved by everyone (isn't that how everyone is remembered?). The P then read a message from his friends and family, Some of his friends were there, and it was heart-wrenching to see them; I couldn't look.

You could hear gentle sobs among the staff, and I saw through my own teary eyes that some students were shaken and teary.

I thought of you, and this must have been what happened at your school. Some kind of public eulogy weeks after you left.

It's 3am, and I am remembering the coldness of your cheek when I kissed you goodbye. I am seeing you lying in your coffin.

I miss you, I miss you so much.

Ching said she will definitely talk about you at her wedding. She will want to tell everyone about you. You know what?  I'm going to Photoshop you into some of my wedding photos ok? The same way I photoshopped Firdaus into our clique photo. Heheh. Ok, I admit, I was tearing up quite badly. But after the photoshop comment it felt so much better.

Love. 

This is mine.

Hi all.

I would like to thank everyone sincerely for all the love that you all have for my dearest Jaspreet. I really appreciate it, and yes, I know all I have been doing is thanking people but I really don't know how else to feel but grateful. Especially for my "rocks": Azimah, Ching, Faisal, Firdaus, Fu Xiang.. Gosh. I love you all so much.

Thank you Faisal for the beautiful eulogy on our behalf.

I would have liked to be the one speaking about her. I would have liked to be strong enough to say all those wonderful things about her. I would have liked to say how much I would miss her and talk about all the great things she did, but like what Jaspreet always says, "Sarah! You talk so much!" so I don't think the 5 minute thing would have worked for me.

How could I sum up what I know about Jaspreet and everything I loved about her in 5 minutes?

How can I even begin to describe her wonderful personality, her ability to make people smile, the way she left such an impact on peoples' lives, and the mazing person that she was in just five minutes? I want to talk about everything we did. I want to talk about everything she was to me.

I want to talk about Diwalis, and birthday parties and big events in which she was prominent.
But most strangely, I want to talk about everyday things. Mundane, every day things, like Council duties. We loved patrolling outside Dunman, pretending we were spies (Ok, so it was mostly me, but she humored me anyway). Things like skipping band (for AWHILE) to do above-mentioned Council duties, and things like sitting in the council room waiting for band.

Everyday things, like always walking to the bus stop near her old house, and waiting with me for my bus 293. Our conversations at the bus stops about how we were going to be, about what we were going to do. Strangely, we are what we said we would be. But we never talked about this, Jaspreet.

It's funny how things so small and insignificant, like matching sky blue Fila bags seem so important now.

I could go on forever. I really could.

Jaspreet was beautiful in a way that her heart was so big, she always made you feel like you were important. That you meant something. That, I think, is what made her so important to me. To be blessed with a friend like that.. Not everyone can say that they've had that, and yes, I'm bragging.

Oh gosh, there really is so much to say. I feel like I am going through a motion picture in my head right now. I'm trying to remember as many things as I can. The every day things are playing in my head again now. I am in TPJC and I am in the Art Room, and I see her outside the door. Just popping by.

I'm at NIE, and I catch her waiting for a taxi. We take the bus and train back.

In my head, in my memories, she is laughing. She is laughing at my stupid jokes. She is laughing with me. She is laughing as she says "Sarah!!!" in mock indignation.

I want her to sit with me. To walk with me. To do every day things. I still have her very first handphone number stored in my head. I want us to run to BK at 10.50am to try to catch breakfast. BK chicken sandwich.

I want her to "chase" unsuitable men from my life (although she insists it was only ONE person, whose name I shall not mention). I want to not listen to her.

Jaspreet, we have not opened that tuition centre. You have not flown us to India to make our bridesmaids dresses. We have not have that lunch that you said we would have after school. We haven't bought our Chanel bags. We have not done so much, Jaspreet. Your present is still with me. I don't quite know what to do with it. You cannot leave me to do this on my own. 

And everyone is saying let go, let her go. That she lives in my heart. That she's in my memories. That we need to let her go. Because she is in God's hands now, and that she is in a better place. But these cliches cannot help me understand or make sense of her leaving. I know what happened, I was there, but it still makes no sense.

What Faisal said today rings true: She has shared so many things with us, and one of them is a wonderful family. In fact, even in her passing, she has shared all her wonderful friends with me.

There are just so many things I will miss.

I will miss you so much. So very much, Jaspreet.

I love you, Jaspreet. 

Crying for nothing
Crying for no one
No one but you.

For you, Princess

The last thing I expected was this.

There is a deep pain in my heart that I cannot even begin to describe.

You left us too soon, Jaspreet. There are still so many things we have yet to do.

25 is too young.

Did you not hear me whisper in your ear last night that we need you, Jaspreet?

We need you.

I need you.

18/2/13
1007hrs

It's not going so well but it's better than I expected

There are many thoughts in my head tonight. It's almost two months since... Well. It's ok. It has been a good two months. God has been kind to me. I feel almost like I am starting to understand things again.

I don't like talking these days. This is all right. It always gets better. I have a new phone. It's really really brilliant. I'm using the Samsung Galaxy Note 2, and I can say now that this is the best thing I've spent my money on this year. It feels like old times with the LG Arena. Those were good times. I was in love, I was young, I was silly. It's a little bit different now.

I drew a picture today but it turned out awful because I hadn't practiced using water with the water soluble pencil. Silly. The picture attached shows it before I attempted to be "brave"...So much for bravery. At least I tried! Can't show the end results. Too awful.

Anyway. Here I am, sending a note to the God of the Internet. I mean like, God is everywhere right? go might as well write something here so I'd have proof that I've asked. * Deep breath *

Dear God,

I know I've asked for many things (and quite a few times, at that!) and yes, there is a 'but' coming (of course you already know this... you're God, for Your sake!) OK. First, let me get this clear: I am EXTREMELY grateful for everything and all the love you have shown me. Thank you for making My life liveable and wonderful.

But dear God, could you please please send someone RIGHT for me? The last one didn't work so I tried to "return to sender" but he didn't quite know where to go.

l dream a lot these days, God. I dream of things that I hope to have someday. l dream of not waking up. I dream of ghosts. I dream of things changing.

It is difficult to do small things with great love because it feels like this concept is escaping me. Please God, do not let me build these walls because I feel like I am becoming a little bit hollow.

That is all. Thanks in advance.

Actually, no.

Watching Iron Man on tv, and I get the whole thing about Robert Downey Jr being cool and all that, but eating my banana cake and watching him go about his antics, I felt myself getting more and more riled up.

Would this character work if it were a female? No wait, let me rephrase that. Would we like the female alternative of Iron Man?  No, no, no. That is not right. Would we accept a strong female character as readily? It's strange isn't it, that if someone like Tony Stark acts the way he acts, and talks the way he talks, he's just a cocky rich boy being himself, and it's endearing and acceptable. What if it were a female equivalent? Oh gosh, she'd he such a bitch, wouldn't she? Worse if she isn't busty or clad in something for you to look at.

I don't think I'm making a big fuss out of this. Come on, it's just a movie, you say. Yes, it is a movie, but I believe that if we stop questioning these double standards (and really start accepting them) then honestly, you're doing no one any favours. The world doesn't need more people perpetuating stereotypes. It certainly doesn't need people making women feel bad for being who they are (come on, stop letting them say it's PMS. Honestly, people have to accept that women DO get angry too).

For the most part, act the way you feel is worthy. Be kind, be grateful. Be angry when you are, but always remember:

Bad behavior is gender neutral, let's keep it that way. It is unacceptable for both men and women, and any other gender in between. Let us not say it's ok for one, and not the other.

Have a great day!  

The Fat Plan

I'm angry.

In fact, it irks me to realize what a hypocrite I've become. I've come to the sad and frustrating conclusion that Certain things will never be considered beautiful. Not in this decade anyway.

Let's be honest. Being a nerd will never be cool either. Sure, you can fall for the "geeky" type, but this "geek", too, I'd an idealized version of what a nerd should be.

I'm guessing that if he were truly a "nerd" (ironically, through my own stereotypical views, and experience with unpretentious technicians and the like), and came with his body odor, riddled with acne, scrawniness (or obesity, due to addiction to mayonnaise) and social awkwardness, you might not even prod him with a ten foot bamboo pole, let alone idealize this very real character. Sure, the braces and intelligence are quite uhm. Cute. But BO? Not so. And real nerds don't wear "geek specs", by the way.

Dove did well with its 'Campaign for real beauty'. Suddenly, plus sized models were enjoying the limelight, changing the look of modeling and what 'ideal' beauty was. It was like suddenly, we all felt happy to have wrinkles, freckles, simply skin, curvy bodies!

But something must have changed in the minds of people because eventually when the hype died down, suddenly we had Kim Kardashan went through a freaking bootcamp to prepare for her wedding, and 18 year old Charice went for Botox because her face was "too round". America's Next Top Model is going into it's which season again? Kudos to Tyra for trying, but it's not enough! It'll never be enough.

I suppose we weren't born this way. We work for our bodies, hoping to reach impossible ideals like celebrities, and people we see in magazines and posters. Gaga is an inspiration, but at times she becomes lost in her own world, and again, makes it impossible for us mere mortals to keep up with. I'm sure no one will find it amusing if I were to turn up for dinner in a steak dress.

I look at Kate Gosselin (from Jon and Kate plus 8) and see her transformation from 'plain Jane' (read as: one of us) to glamazon who eventually perhaps destroys her marriage (Jon is also responsible) and it saddens me that she had to up her game to keep up with the media. Let's take this moment to also remember Susan Boyle. Why? "Ugly" people don't have talent is it?

Why are we shocked when people who are not close to the ideal of beauty- ordinary people- display some sort of talent that supposedly only beautiful people should possess? Doesn't make sense does it?

Anyone who doesn't consider the ideal surely has a "fetish". And if they are celebrities and will therefore be impossible to see as 'role models', why then do we still consider them 'the standard'? Oh yes, it is also not enough to look like a celebrity. One should also have some kind of wonderful personality too!

Pfft. This is where I roll my eyes.

Somewhere along the way I must have lost myself in all this hype of being "beautiful". Truth is, we're all different, but in this day and age, we are still living in a freaking man's world. It makes me angry to say this, and angrier to feel like I have accepted it.

But I want to fight this. I have to.

I will first need to strengthen my mind and prepare my body. To change my mindset. Reframing thoughts here and there again.

Only when we have accepted change for ourself that we will be able to affect change in others, if ever. Let's keep our minds open, and work towards change. Let's open our hearts to what real beauty is, whatever it means to us. Let us be strong in our minds and not let anyone make us feel inadequate or unpretty (Yep. I just quoted TLC).

It is time.

Girl love

Before we start, I would like to state clearly that I am not gay.

I have nothing against gays, and I do not think that there is something inherently wrong with you if you are. But I must make this very clear before I go on to today's topic.

A spate of recent events have led me to think about this:
Is there such a thing as a platonic relationship between same genders?

I used to think that I would never ever be close to girls, especially since if you are close to someone, it may mean that they may end up liking you romantically. At least, that is what I thought happens between girls and boys. Also, girls are complicated! They are bitchy, they back-stab, they criticise... blah lah blah blahdeBLAH!

Unless you are one of those girls with traits that i mentioned above (well, if you are, BE GONE! you are not welcome here.. ), I don't see why there is a problem.

Simply put, if you are apprehensive about making friends with other girls because you are afraid of what they will do to you, then surely you can expect that the may be thinking the same of you! And everyone keeps away because they are afraid that they might get hurt.. But if you are generally afraid of getting close to people because you are scared that they might leave, it's another topic altogether. And I digress.

Why can't we say "I love you" to each other without feeling like we are freaks or we must be *gasp* lesbians!

So if I tell my mother I love her, does that make me a.. *gasp* incestuous lesbian?!

Sorry, Mom.

And what do we do when we are accused of being gay? We defend ourselves, we get angry, we question ourselves, we question others... should we stop being who we are because people might talk about us? Should we stop talking to each other? Would it be awkward? Is it too idealistic to think that people don't matter? Because people do matter. Perception is reality, and how someone views becomes who you are!

But we can't control perceptions. So what's a girl to do?

Already, I feel the pressure as a heterosexual being accused of homosexuality. No wonder so many people stay in the closet! If people aren't even allowed to be who they are (or are not), what kind of world are we creating for ourselves?

Then comes the question: What if you start to fall for each other? If you spend a lot of time with someone, you might end up having sexual/ romantic thoughts about him/ her right?

I love Peter the cat. I see him everyday, I talk to him, I cuddle him. Does that make me a practitioner of bestiality? Hell, no. Arguably that was a simplistic argument, but surely you know of friends whom you will never ever fall for, and it never ever crossed your mind to begin with, so why is this any different?

As a connoisseur of love (self proclaimed), I can assure you that there are so many forms of love around.

Let's all take a step back, and think about the ambiguous and arbitrary nature of words and their meanings.

Everything in context*, please!


* Also the title of my Final Year Project!

Instead of wasting precious time speculating about their relationships and whether or not they are gay, why not go out there and find your own best friend or activity partner (if you haven't already) and you will know what I'm talking about. and by then, you will be so busy having fun that you won't even have time to speculate.
So girls, stop hatin' on each other, if you are still one of those wary girls who have very few girl friends because you are afraid that they will "snatch your bf" (in other words, competition), in which case, I recommend letting those people go because they are not worth your time! Also I recommend working on some of your insecurity issues, though for myself it is a never ending battle but we have to keep fighting!

Don't even get me started on the Female Chauvanist Pigs! They aren't interested in girl friends, so if you know one, get the hell outta there!

Unless you have found a boy who enjoys getting manicures done, and who would love to listen to you talk about how ill you are, or enjoys discussing tampons and pads, then I am very sure that girls are your best bet! I am sure there are guys like who are genuinely interested in these things, and if you found them, great.

And oh yes, one more thing I dislike:
Bromance- The term reeks of homophobia! Because *gasp* boys can't be friends! Surely they are... gay! Yes, let's make them feel ashamed for feeling love for each other! What better way to describe a relationship between two guys than to make fun of it? Good job, Hollywood.

So stop all the accusations already. Get a life! And I mean that in the best possible sense. As in, get a life, and be happy!

Have a good day!